How to Grow a Grasty

Carolina Slaw

2012-01-13T07:57:00.002-05:00

The other night we had some people over for wings, and I happened to have half of a head of cabbage. I thought a nice vinegar-y cole slaw would go well with the wings, celery, and blue cheese. It didn't hurt that I was trying to keep it light since I'm on Weight Watchers. This slaw turned out fabulous. I doubt I will make another vinegar slaw recipe ever again. There is just no need.

Believe it or not, I got this recipe from About.com. And I changed it very little, other than halving it and omitting the bell pepper. I probably will try it with red pepper at some point, but I was in a hurry and didn't have time to finely chop a veggie that I knew it would taste great without.

Carolina Slaw

1 large head of cabbage, finely shredded

1 medium onion, finely chopped

2 carrots, grated

Dressing:

1 cup sugar

1 tsp salt

2/3 cup sunflower oil oil

1 tsp dry mustard

1 tsp celery seed

1 cup cider vinegar

Combine veggies in a large bowl. For the dressing, combine remaining ingredients and whisk together. Allow a couple of minutes for the sugar to dissolve. Toss together with the vegetable mixture. Allow to marinate in the refrigerator for at least two hours.

The original recipe called for regular veggie oil and sweet onion instead of red. I halved the recipe and it was enough for 6 adults. I had two helpings. There may have been some who didn't eat it though, I didn't notice. This was delicious with wings, and would be great with any sort of grilled or barbecue dish.

Let me know if you use this. I would love to know what you think!

I Seriously Embarrassed Myself

2012-01-12T07:00:00.002-05:00

In my Midweek Confessions, I referred to an embarrassing moment that deserved a post of it's own. Nothing like an embarrassing story, a la Melody Aylestock.

On Monday, Joshua and I made the spur of the moment decision to start attending this class I wanted to go to. We heard about it and decided to go about an hour before we had to leave. In our rush to eat dinner, get ready and get out the door, I left a pair of nail clippers in my pants pocket. Whatever.

Two hours later...we are in the midst of class discussion and we know no one. I feel something in my pocket and wonder what is. I pull out the clippers and start fiddling with them. The discussion gets around to me and I'm feeling chatty. In the midst of this moment, every eye on me, I reach up to scratch my head, with the same hand holding the nail clippers. And somehow the clippers get stuck in my hair, right above my ear. I'm in the middle of a sentence, but I'm getting distracted and feeling really silly. I have my hand over that spot so no one can see it yet but I'm working pretty hard to get it out without ruining my ponytail. So I say, "Um, I don't know how I did this but I just got nail clippers stuck in my hair. And Joshua's going to have to help me get them out. So I guess I'm done."

I stand up, and Joshua helps me get it out. But of course they don't move on. They all stare silently while he tries to get it out. So I just try to awkwardly explain how it happened and why I even have nail clippers in my hand. And still no one moves on. I sit down. And there is silence. So I decide I'd better get this train back on track and picked up the discussion where I left off. Anyway, super embarrassing but funny.

Am I the only person things like this happen to? I'm pretty sure I am. I would love to be proven wrong though? What's your embarrassing story?

I'm Back and I'm Confessing

2012-01-11T10:07:00.008-05:00

I need to start blogging again. Malachi is 19 months old and every day, he does the darnedest things. I've got to remember them somehow. So, what better way to get back into blogging than by participating in my friend Elizabeth's blog link-up:

Let's get started, shall we?

- Joshua and I started attending Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace class this week. I admit it. We need help. Kind of embarrassing, especially since we already had a good bit of debt and paid it off once in our first 18 months of marriage. So awesome that we did not learn our lesson. Especially since its way easier to pay off debt with two incomes and no kids than on one income plus kids. Let this be a lesson to the childless!

- At said class, I embarrassed myself wholly. This deserves a post of its own. Let's just say, don't carry random grooming items to church. They may end up attached to embarrassing places on your person, leaving you to sheepishly explain yourself.

- We hosted our church small group in our home this weekend. We decided that we should get the toilet, vanity, and door installed in our downstairs bathroom so it would be usable during that time. We totally took on too much, and had to finish the project and clean our absolute disaster of a house by 4pm on Sunday. We ended up not going to church, and running around like crazy people until 4:04 (when the first people arrived) to finish up. Don't look in my closets. We were literally tossing piles of stuff into laundry baskets to hide in our bedroom. Um, I can't believe I'm writing this. I also was in my pajamas and didn't brush my hair until 3:55 when I got in the shower. How awful would it have been if someone got there early?

- I have overused the word "embarrassed" in this post. I have also spelled it wrong every time. How embarassing. Thank goodness for spellcheck.

- Sometimes when Joshua and I both want to sleep in, we shut 19-month-old Malachi in the bedroom with us and let him go crazy while we lay there and pretend to sleep through it. We give him a banana and water to eat if he gets hungry, and lift our heads and open one eye if we hear a crash. Last Saturday when we did this, he removed a drawer from the dresser, emptied it of all the clothes and sat it in, unwrapping feminine products which he later strew across the room. I also let him try to eat a menthol cough drop during this time. In my defense, I figured he would spit it out after tasting it, which was true.

- Joshua and I stayed up way too late watching Breaking Bad on Netflix on Sunday night. Wayyyyy to late. I am still recovering from it.

- Malachi is crying at my knees for me to pick him up and I'm pretty much ignoring him so I can finish this. What's worse is I'm positive that I smell a poopy diaper and I'm still ignoring him. How horrible is that? Now he is crying in earnest, and has thrown himself on the floor and is kicking. Seems like a good time to stop confessing and start paying attention to my child.

Let's link of to Friday Confessional at Mamarazi, while we're at it, eh?

Lemon Blackberry Pancakes

2011-07-21T16:20:00.003-04:00

Lemon Blueberry Pancakes have shown up around the Internet in a variety of places lately, and they've had me salivating. So on Sunday morning, when I realized I had extra lemon to figure out what to do with, it seemed like the perfect time to try this recipe. I would have tried Pioneer Woman's recipe, but it calls for evaporated milk, of which I had none. So I did my typical thing and smelted together some other recipes to come up with this one.

Some recipes out there only call for lemon zest, and not the juice. In my opinion, the I added the juice of half a lemon. It probably added 2-3 tablespoons of liquid, which was perfect because the batter was a little thick. And it added a lemony flavor to the pancakes that was ah-mazing. I also used blackberries instead of blueberries because it was I had available. I'm telling you, these pancakes were the best I've ever eaten. The combination of lemon and blackberries was to die for. I'm sure it would have been at least that good with blueberries.

photo credit

Here's the recipe:

Lemon Blackberry Pancakes

1 egg
1 tbsp freshly grated lemon zest
2-3 tbsp fresh squeezed lemon
3/4 cup milk
1/4 cup loosely packed brown sugar
2 tbsp melted butter
1 cup all purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup blackberries

Whisk together egg, zest, lemon juice, milk, brown sugar and butter. In a separate bowl, mix together the flour, baking powder and salt. Add the milk mixture to the flour mixture and stir together just until combined. If your batter is a little dry, add more milk. I added more lemon juice to mine, just because I couldn't get enough. Stir in the blackberries.

I like to heat my griddle to 325 degrees. But if you don't have a temperature gauge, your griddle should be hot enough for water to sizzle when you splash a few drops on it. Butter the pan, and pour in your batter. I poured about 1/4 cup at a time, and it made us about 8 pancakes.

It took me of messy pancake making to figure out the secret of when to flip. If you are still working on it, here are a couple of tips. First, only flip once. Second, wait until the edges of the pancake seem dry, and there are bubbles in the center. Third, make sure your flipper is big enough to get most of the pancake on it.

As soon as I tasted these pancakes, I knew I had to share this recipe. I went around to my family and made them all taste it. It is lemony, and the lemon goes perfectly with the berries. I will be making these over and over again. PLEASE try them. You will not be disappointed.

Simple Beef Stew

2011-07-21T12:53:00.003-04:00

Do you believe I had never made beef stew, except from crock pot roast, until yesterday? But I bought some stew beef that was on clearance a couple weeks ago. Yesterday I dug it out of the freezer and started looking for a recipe.

Like most things I make though, I consulted a few recipes without really following any. The end result is usually something I can call my own, and I am usually very happy with it.

I started out with a pound of stew beef sauteed in olive oil. While this browned in the soup pot, I chopped up two potatoes, an onion, two ribs of celery, and three cloves of garlic. I tossed those in the pot along with a pound of baby carrots, coated it in oil and let it warm through. I then coated it all in a 1/4 cup of flour. Once well-coated, add a four cups of beef broth to pot and bring to a boil. Add a bay leaf and a teaspoon each rosemary and thyme. Let simmer for about an hour and salt and pepper to taste.

I was really quite happy with the way this turned out. The beef was tender, the vegetables were soft, but not overcooked. The seasoning was just right. I'll add this to be recipe box.

Heirloom Tomato Salad

2011-07-19T12:06:00.003-04:00

I have a hard time taking just one thing to a potluck. For the aforementioned potluck this past Saturday night, there would be a combination of foodies and normal people. So the thing on my mind was something that both would enjoy (and something a little more grown up than jello shots: a simple heirloom tomato salad.

I headed out to the farmer's market on Saturday morning to find a combination of colorful and flavorful tomatoes that would look and taste beautiful together in a salad. I also grabbed some fresh oregano while I was there, since mine has gone to seed.

I basically made Jamie Oliver's Mothership Tomato Salad, which lists all the ingredients, but you add them to your own taste. Here's what I did:

I started with three pounds of local heirloom tomatoes from one of farmer's markets. My tomatoes resembled these lovelies.

photo credit

As suggested, I cut them in a variety of sizes and chunks to add visual interest. I liked his suggestion of salting the tomatoes and letting them sweat out the extra liquid. I normally don't do this for my tomato salads, and there is a lot of extra juice that waters down the dressing. Of course, he says to discard the juice, but I added a bit of salt and drank it. I will not admit to the juice dribbling down my chin anywhere but here. That fresh tomato nectar was honestly the best part of making this recipe. Chef's privilege!

I added probably 1/4 cup fresh oregano, a diced clove of garlic, 1 part balsamic vinegar to 2 parts oil (I did 1/4 cups) and salt and pepper to taste.

I served this at room temperature, because somehow, tomatoes taste better to me that way. Like I just picked them off the vine and served them up.

I personally felt I didn't add enough vinegar to this, but I got some good comments on it at the potluck. It was enjoyed by both the food connoisseurs and the unwashed masses. Happy day!

Lemon and Lime Wedge Jello Shots

2011-07-19T11:40:00.008-04:00

I recently joined Pinterest, and it has given my menu planning the lift that it needed. Many of the recipes I've been making lately were either found on Pinterest, or inspired by recipes found there.

This Saturday for a cookout, I made lime and lemon wedge jello shots. How grown up of me, I know. But how can you resist such an amazing photo? It was time consuming, and in the moment I was frustrated. It didn't help that Malachi kept waking up from his nap and each time I had a mini-freak out that I wouldn't get them in the fridge in time to set. The payoff was worth it though because they were so good and they really do look just like this:

photo credit

Here's the recipe I used:

Lemon and Lemon Wedge Jello Shots

Dissolve one 3 oz. packet of jello in a cup of boiling water. You can use any red flavor. I wanted to use watermelon, but they didn't have any, so I made one recipe with cherry and one with strawberry. Turn off the water and add 4 oz. Vodka and 4 oz. Sour Apple Schnapps. I let this sit while I wrangled 20 lemons and limes out of their rinds.

For this step you cut each lemon or lime in half, then score between the fruit and the rind with a paring knife. Use a spoon to pull the fruit from the peel, being careful not to break a hole in the peel. It gets easier as you practice.

Set the rind halves on a tray and fill each lemon or lime with the jello mixture. Let them rest for three hours in the fridge. Before serving, Cut each half in half again to make wedges.

Stand back and listen to everyone ooh and aah over your amazing creation. These were a huge hit.

To Do

2011-07-19T11:29:00.005-04:00

My goals for today:

Weed the garden. Already did it. Yessssss.

Go to the gym. I missed my chance to do it this morning, so now I must go after naptime. Around 3pm.

Go to Lowes. I have to re-select a countertop for our kitchen since the one we want is back ordered.

Make dinner. The plan: BLTA's (Backon, Letttuce, Tomato and Avocado sandwiches). I may even decide to add an egg and chipotle aioli inspired by this recipe. Side: corn on the cob.

~~Buy Malachi some new sandals. I can't find his old ones anywhere.~~ Found them.

Toddler Milk

2011-06-11T22:37:00.004-04:00

Today it crossed my mind that we've been nursing for 12 months. I am now nursing a toddler. I hope to continue much longer, so it didn't cross my mind that it is a milestone when his birthday passed a few days ago. But when I think of how hard I've worked to make it this far, I decided we need a mini-celebration.

We made it through the initial weird latch / lots of pain stage. We made it through a low supply and weight checks and visits to the lactation consultant every two weeks. We made it through a visit from a concerned La Leche league leader and emergency donor milk rushed to our aide. We made it through herbs and supplements and medicine and dietary changes. We made it through pumping and pumping and pumping with no milk to show for it. We made it through the SNS and thousands of ounces of milk donations. We made it time and again, when we didnt know where our next donation would come from and I braced myself for the switch to formula. But the day never came.

So thank you to the women who have made it happen. Often when I feed Malachi a bottle I will tell him what mommy his delicious milk came from.

Many women in our situation don't have the resources I have to find donor milk, and don't know that there is any choice but formula. I have been connected with doulas, midwives, lactation consultants, La Leche League leaders, and most importantly, nursing moms, who have made it possible for me to choose differently.

Thank you, moms, who have shared with us so generously: Kate, Rebekah, Micah, Myrna, Danielle, Sherri, Christie, Crystal, Hollie, Rachelle, Jamie, Amy, Melynda, Kristen, Jen Kirsten, Liz, and Another Liz.

And thank you to Julie who helped us figure out our nursing problems and encouraged us to use donor milk; and Leila and Cindy who found us donors; and Human Milk 4 Human Babies!

You all are a big part of why I am now nursing my toddler.

In Which I Remember The Day Malachi Was Born

2011-06-01T07:59:00.028-04:00

Today is my baby's birthday. His first birthday. We were never birthday party people in my house growing up. Birthdays were special, but they were family affairs. Quiet. Simple. And I have maintained that. But in contemplating how to "do" Malachi's first birthday, I have been ever-so tempted to pull out all the stops and do something big--really big--to celebrate our boy's life. I get it now. I totally understand why parent's want to capture the moon on a silver platter for their kids' birthdays. You know: ponies, bounce houses, the works. Real Wives style.

Because this is a day worth celebrating. This little boy's Entry Into the World was a big deal. It will forever be imprinted in our memories. He changed our lives forever and I want to make a big deal over him.

It's just like everyone said. The moments have passed too quickly. I can't believe that one year ago he was in his last hours of slumber before deciding he was ready to come out.

What a surreal day. It started around four in the morning. I slept between each surge, for the first hour or two, then called the midwives. Our home was full of quiet energy. I labored in the living room while Joshua and my mom filled the birth pool.

Time passed quickly. Things progressed well. Joshua and I took a walk and with each contraction I held him and swayed. He was so supportive, just what I needed him to be. I love that when I told him "I don't know if I can do this," he said, "you are doing it."

Things are a blur, with distinct images that pop out here and there. I remember it being hard, but energizing. I knew I was doing it. I felt in charge. Like I was owning this moment.

We looked at pictures tonight, remembering that day, and this year. I asked Joshua what stands out to him about that day. He said, "you were grumpy." Thanks for that, Love.

I hit transition around 1:30 in the afternoon. I was dialated to nine. Alicia suggested that I take a shower because pushing would come soon. Joshua and I stood in the shower and let the water run over us. The contractions were hard and strong. We looked at each other in amazement and shared tears over this moment that was happening. We were about to meet our son. In our home. With our family and friends near.

I imagined that moment. I was in the water. I felt Malachi's head and I pulledJoshua's hands to feel it too. The midwife quietly said, "one more push." And with a final roar, he was born, right into Joshua's hands.

But that's not what happened. Transition went on...and on...and on...

After a few more hours, several things seemed not quite right. All of it combined sent us to the hospital.
There were doctors. Procedures. Interventions. Medicine. Surgery.

But at the end of it all, there was a new baby.

Malachi Justice Allen Grasty

There were three of us.

He is so loved. Such a joy.

On second thought...

This day is sacred to us. The day our family grew to three. The day we became parents. The day a whole new person entered the world, all our very own. It's so very...special. Worth lots of italics and hyperbolic language. The very specialness of this day seems to me a reason not to do it up big.

His birthday is special to us because he's ours. The first birthday won't be remembered by him or his little toddling "friends". Our adult friends without children would think a birthday party for a one year old is a joke. I don't want to cheapen it by inviting a bunch of people who don't care as much as we do. Not this year.

This year, these memories feel too precious for Pin the Tail on the Donkey and party favors. There will be other years for that. This first year, we celebrate Malachi with our close family. We'll make a tradition of telling him how we wanted him and waited for him. We'll tell him about the day he was born. He will eat cake and wear a crown and we will make him feel special like we do every day. And we will remember.

Oh, how I love him.

Coming Together

2011-05-16T20:46:00.001-04:00

I've got a lot on my mind right now. Some things I am considering writing about but I'm not sure yet. It's good though. I feel as if there is a lot that's up in the air now with our life and it's exciting to feel like things are shifting. We've been feeling stagnant in some areas for a while and I can smell change in the air. The future seems bright.

We closed on our house. I was really nervous that with Joshua working on the renovations in his spare time, we would never get to see him. That hasn't been true at all. Most evenings we hang with him a little and when he has a spare moment, he comes over for kisses or a quick wrestle in the grass with Malachi.

My garden is underway. The day of our closing we put the beds into place and started filling them with soil. We've got onions, garlic, leeks, peppers, squash, cucumbers, beets, tomatoes and greens. Not to mention a whole mess of herbs that I'm still not sure where I should plant. I cut off some snippets of sage and thyme to add to our dinner this evening and it was so good.

Our fence will be starting to go up this weekend, which means we are almost ready to get our chickens. Yay! The coop is ready for them.

Things are coming together.

My Derailed Life

2011-04-24T16:47:00.006-04:00

You know, it just goes to show that what's important in life is not the laundry.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a couple of posts about how I was getting it together and why that was important to me and my family. I still believe everything I wrote...but then it hit the fan and I was in the hospital and I've been recuperating ever since. It's not that I can't do anything at all. I am just utterly without energy.

You how they say, "If it's not one thing, it's another."? Well, if it's not one thing, it's another. Life has been happening this month, and it's been happening so fast that I can't take any time to keep our Life in order. I'll be darned if I've loaded the dishwasher more than once a week in the last month. Or folded the laundry before Malachi tosses it piece by piece onto the (dirty) floor, over and over again. We just started using cloth diapers again this week and I'm thinking I may have jumped the gun a little bit.

I am at the point where, if I could just get caught up, I could stay caught up. But I just can't get there! I even had a mother's helper come over twice to watch Malachi while I cleaned. Both times, shortly after she came, things with the house became so urgent that I had to stop everything I was doing and make phone calls and send faxes and scan documents and send emails and a frantic pace so the whole kaboodle didn't fall through. Good thing she was there.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, "Oh well". Oh well if I can't keep things in order. I've been taking care of my sick-for-the-first-time baby. He sounds like a lifelong smoker with his hack that keeps him up at night. He's been napping in the mei tai, and we sleep sitting up for the first few hours of the night. So needless to say, I am sleep deprived.

Oh well if I step on a block every time I turn around. I don't have time to pick them up for the 15th time today that Malachi dumped them. I'm busy calling my realtor, and my mortgage consultant, and my underwriter (and list goes on) so that we can get this house.

Sometimes, something's gotta give. In fact, most of the time something's gotta a give. And then there are times that everything's gotta give just so that you can keep your life hanging by a thread.

I am so looking forward to closing on Wednesday. This is our 4th scheduled closing but I think it's gonna stick this time (please, God). But I know that just starts another round of crazy-making with Joshua working on the house every spare moment, with me being an almost-single mama for the next four months. Deep breaths. it'll be over soon. And then we'll move on to the next thing. Hopefully that will include a nice long sit on our new front porch (maybe with a margarita).

Here's a cute picture of Malachi to make us both smile.

Long Time, No...Write

2011-04-20T15:27:00.003-04:00

It's been a while. It's been a crazy month. I don't think I've written at all about my gallbladder issues that started up in November of last year. We don't have insurance. And I wasn't thrilled about losing an organ. So I tried to heal my gallbladder the natural way. We found out about a month ago through an emergency out-of-state trip to the ER, that it wasn't working. A gallstone had made its way into my bile duct and was making me very, very sick. I ended up staying in the hospital for 5 days in North Carolina to have my gallbladder removed.

So the last few weeks have been about healing. And I am feeling so much better.

We still have not closed on our house. It has been a roller coaster of enormous magnitude getting this thing done. One of the most stressful things of my life. But, our final (I am almost certain) close date is scheduled in five days, and I think the we're going to make it this time. WITH the bank. Miracle of miracles.

Malachi is ginormous. He is growing really fast the last few weeks on lots of donor milk. My milk supply took a major hit in the days surrounding my surgery and I was afraid that our nursing days were over. BUT, this little boy loves to nurse, and he wouldn't give up, even when he wasn't getting much. He helped bring back supply and we are now back to about the level we were for several months before I was sick. Still using donor milk, but in much smaller quantities.

So that's the big news around these parts. Oh, and, there is a new frozen yogurt place downtown called Frogurt. It is awesome. Let's just say its a good thing its low fat because I've been eating a lot of it lately. You need to go. Seriously. Go. I'll be here when you get back.

New Digs

2011-03-25T07:00:00.001-04:00

We are buying a house. We weren't looking to do it. It sort of just...fell in our laps. It's next door to my parents house, which happens to be where we live.

We really want something out in the country with a good bit of land. But since we won't have that for a while (maybe never) this will do quite nicely in the mean time.

It's a gray house with blue shutters and white trim, in the city, and it needs a lot of work. We are getting a construction loan to do the fixing up that needs to be done. If the red tape for a standard mortgage is like the Smokeys, for a construction loan, it's like the Rockies. But it is so worth the deal we are getting. It's going to be a lot of work, but in the end we will have a beautiful finished product. A brand new kitchen and downstairs bath, upgraded upstairs bath, freshly painted walls and refinished hardwood floors throughout. We don't know how long we'll be there, but it's not hard to imagine raising a family there.

We have four months from close to get the work done, which puts us around the middle of August that we will be able to move in. In the meantime, since it's right next door, we already built our chicken tractor. We will hold off getting the actual chickens until we have a fence, which we are hoping to do right away. By that time Malachi should be starting to toddle around, and he will enjoy exploring his new digs.

Babywearing Troubles and...the Solution

2011-03-23T07:00:00.001-04:00

For the last few months I was a little frustrated in the baby-wearing department. Until a couple of months ago, I used a Moby almost exclusively and loved it. But then we got to a point where It just wasn't working for us. Malachi didn't nap as well in here anymore. He wasn't happy facing in when he was awake. When I put him facing out he reached for everything and the material stretched and it became unsafe. Back carries aren't safe in a Moby. I needed s new carrier.

So I got a ring sling. Love it. But I quickly discovered that it's not right for us at this stage either. The front carry requires the legs to be in, which Malachi is not okay with. So side carry is pretty much it. And he is just to busy and feels too confined for that most of the time. You can do a back carry with a ring sling, but most people prefer other carriers for that, and its kind of tricky to get in place.

So I came to the conclusion that the carrier for us (right now) is a mei tai. It's an Asian style carrier that you can use in front or back. It offers a lot of support and is quite versatile. The are a little pricey, and I had already spent money on the ring sling that we are more or less shelving for now.

I wasn't sure what to do. I was thinking about making a mei tai and started researching that. Then, one awesome day, I remembered was super-productive and sent in the tag for a recalled Infantino bag sling that had been handed down to me. Lo and behold, one of the replacement options was a mei tai! Needless to say, I was stoked.

It came in the mail within about a week, and now we are rockin' out the baby-wearing again.

(Don't worry. I moved him to a front carry right after taking the photo.
Isn't it cute, though? He obviously is comfy enough to fall asleep!)

What I Am Doing (and Why I am Doing It)

2011-03-16T11:10:00.005-04:00

The last post got me thinking. What if I actually tried to do some of this stuff? Well, I already do some of this stuff, but I'm not consistent with most of it. And other things I don't do at all. The other thing that got me thinking was my college friend (I use the word loosely. I don't know if we ever spoke in college, but I read her blog now. I totally have a mom crush on her and we have a lot in common!), Melody, decided to do a 30 Things in 30 Days series, where she tries to...wait for it...do a list of 30 things for 30 days. I know that was hard to follow. Anyway, it kind of motivated me too. I figured if she could do it, with two kids, one of whom is younger than Malachi, so could I.Mine hasn't been as organized as all that. I pick and choose what I want to do day to day. But let me tell you, not having the pressure of *having* to do these things because I said I would has made all the difference. Let me tell you what I've done in the last few days:

Cleaned out the fridge (I won't even tell you how long its been since that's happened. I'll just say it was on my Before Baby Arrives to do list, and it never got done).

Sorted through a bunch of junk to take to good will.

Created a junk drawer instead of a whole junk desk in our living room. Baby steps.

Put a little basket in the kitchen for random junk that piles up. So my put-away pile is all in one place instead of a bunch of stuff strewn about.

Read to Malachi a lot more --and he's really starting to like it!!!

Drank my water a lot more consistently (this one's really important for my milk supply, and I have really seen a difference).

Done the shakedown most days before Joshua gets home. Oh, you haven't heard of the shakedown? Well, let me help you. You'll love this, mommies.

Started drinking decaf. It's relaxing. It's a treat. It warms my insides. It makes me feel like I've got it together when I can manage to brew a cup of coffee during the day.

Worn real clothes during the day and bed clothes at night. (Novel thought!)

I have made a few cups of coffee for Joshua, and gotten together a few of his lunches.

I have napped during nap time less, bring it to rare instead of occasional. Which is how I've gotten all this stuff done!

I have more frequently had dinner on when Joshua comes home, instead of handing him Malachi when he walks in the door and starting it then.

I have done a much better job of keeping our living spaces clean and free of clutter. I'm finding myself picking up more throughout the day, but never feeling overwhelmed with the mess.

We've had people over several times in the last few days. The house has gotten increasingly more organized each time, and even after a party last Saturday night, I was able to get things back into shape pretty fast.

What else?...

More pampering for Joshua.

I've been flossing my teeth more. Not twice a day, but once, most days.

We've had more music playing.

I've done a little better about taking my meds, but it still needs to be more consistent. Maybe I can set an alarm.

I tried playing the guitar once, but Malachi was awake and sabotaged it. I'll try again during nap time.

I haven't gotten all the clothes off the floor yet, but some days I've been helping Joshua get an outfit together the night before, so that he doesn't wake Malachi up while looking for his belt or whatever.

I haven't had my phone on me, but I have found it is easier to locate it when there isn't a bunch of clutter around for it to get lost in. Amazing.

So I'm pretty tickled with myself. Just to be clear, my motivation is not perfection, or praise, or good feelings. It's this guy:

I was reading something a friend wrote on a forum that I frequent. I will summarize. I want my children to see an example of the kind of adult I want them to be when they grow up. I want him to see a capable, strong person with a balanced, well-managed life. I want them to see that I give myself and my family what we need to thrive, not just exist. I want them to see an example of servanthood. I want them to see that my life has the same priorities that I want for their lives. NOT that things should be clean. But that we take care of ourselves. We organize our lives in such a way that we can focus on our priorities.

After being pregnant for 9 months while working full time, and then having a baby, a lot of things fell by the wayside. You kind of get used to living a certain way. But now that season of my life is over (for a while...), I'm learning to make choices that will make us all feel better.

So, with that said, one area that I almost completely neglected in this list, is the self-care area. Aside from the coffee and the daytime clothes, I haven't made much progress in the goals that have to do with self-care.

What I'm realizing is that at this stage of my life, its not that I don't have time. I have managed to clean, organize, blog, watch television shows, hang out with friends, and still have time to spare. It's that for whatever reason, I put myself at the bottom of the list of priorities. I haven't gotten up early, read my books, played my music, had girl time, or incorporated the daily office. I have blogged a little, but I haven't posted what I've written yet. So, I want to work on that area.

This has been a good exercise for me. I thought I didn't have time, but I was wrong. I know there are people who really don't have time, but I'm not one of them. There are others like me, who have the time, and maybe just need to re-prioritize things a little. I have felt very positively about the changes I have made, like I'm really acting in life, not just reacting. That's a good feeling.

What I Would Do

2011-03-16T10:06:00.006-04:00

I am always thinking about the choices I wish I made every day. I often make goals for myself, but I don't often keep them. That's not to say I don't change my behavior over time. I do. I'd like to think that I am becoming a better wife and mother. But I fall so short of my goals. The reality is that what I want for myself in terms of goals is unrealistic. So today, when I had the choice to make more goals, I decided against it. I decided instead to think about the ideal me: what I would do if I could. Just for fun. Maybe this will help me see that it is utterly unrealistic to be this person, and at the same time, motivate me a little to meet one or two of these goals.

So, here goes nothing!

I would wake up before Malachi and maybe even Joshua.
I would spend time in quiet prayer and meditation in the morning.
I would sit and enjoy a book with a cup of hot coffee or tea.
I would shower, fix my hair and take care of my skin daily.
I would get my hair cut and colored on a regular basis.
I would get dressed in a presentable outfit instead of staying in the clothes that I slept in and...wore yesterday.
I would make my husband's morning coffee and get his lunch ready.
I would make my bed.
I would spend some time moving every day, whether a walk, a swim, or hooping.
I would spend some time outdoors each and every day (maybe not if it's below freezing).
I would write on my blog most days.
I would plan my dinner menus.
I would keep our living spaces free of clutter and spend 15 minutes a day organizing something.
I would clean for four 15 minute stretches every day.
I would read for 20 minutes a day.
I would spend 15 minutes reading to Malachi every day.
I would spend 20 minutes playing the guitar or piano every day.
I would not nap at nap time. Instead I would work toward meeting the above goals.
Malachi and I would bike to the post office and library.
I would have music playing most of the day, but not during nap time, when it would be silent except for the hum of the dishwasher or washing machine.
I would say evening prayers from the daily office with Joshua and Malachi.
I would take evening walks with my little family.
Joshua and I would read together after Malachi goes to bed.
I would pamper Joshua for 10 minutes each evening (he loves this!)
I would unload/reload and start the dishwasher every night before bed.
I would take the time to put on pajamas before bed.
I would have a bed time and stick to it.
I would keep my nails nice (in other words STOP biting them).
I would floss my teeth twice a day.
I would drink 100 oz of water every day.
I would take a multivitamin and other helpful supplements religiously and remember to take my pills at meal times.
I would have dinner going before Joshua gets home.
I would have coffee or similar "girl time" with a friend every couple of weeks.
I would have lunch planned on Sundays so that we could invite guests over after church a couple times a month.
I would keep the laundry put away and clothes off the floor so we can always find what we want to wear.
I would have houseplants because my my life would be balanced enough that I would remember to keep them alive.
I would keep my phone on me at all times and answer it w every time my husband calls (this one is for his benefit).
I would have a special place for my keys, purse, cell phone, and iPod, and I would never lose them and I would keep the elctronics charged up.
I would put things away when I was done with them.
I would go on a date with my husband every week, even if it was just for coffee.
I would grow a garden.

So, what would you do? What is the "wish list" in your head that you wish you could accomplish?

Some Light Reading

2011-02-22T23:40:00.001-05:00

For months I've been waiting patiently to order some parenting books and the time finally arrived last week! They arrived yesterday, and now the thing is to find spare moments here and there to read them.

I constructed my list very carefully and with a lot of research so I would make the best use of my limited funds. The ones that made the cut were:

1. Families Where Grace is in Place
2. How to Really Love Your Child
3. The Mission of Motherhood
4. The Discipline Book
5. Biblical Parenting

I've a mind to review them here as I read them so we'll see if that happens. If you'd like to know more about why I chose these particular books instead of others, let me know! I'd be happy to share.

8.5 Months

2011-02-21T10:48:00.005-05:00

We are in a parenting sweet spot. Malachi is so interested in exploring the house that I have much more opportunity to get things done during the day. Consequently the laundry is consistently folded and the dishes consistently managed for the first time in I don't know how long.

Additionally, naptime and bedtime are going increasingly smoothly, which makes for a happier baby and less frazzled mama.

And finally, Malachi is a particular joy at this stage. At 8 1/2 months, he is a delightful combination of curious and adventuresome. He is becoming a lot more attached to Daddy, which warms our hearts. He doesn't readily go to strangers, which at his age, makes us happy that he knows that he belong to us and prefers us.

Malachi is really into doors lately. He makes a beeline for the open ones with a purposeful wiggly-tushed crawl. It used to bother him if he couldn't see me, but now, he is content to know that I am nearby while he explores. Consequently, as I am trying to form the habit, he's finding more closed doors to keep him out of the messy piles that have been formed while clearing the One Room that I try have baby-proofed. He stands on his tippy-toes at these closed doors, reaching for a knob that is still several inches away. And if ever I forget, sure enough, I will quickly see his backside disappearing through the open door.

Malachi's constant companion today has been a spoon. Yes, he's getting to that age. I think it's adorable. Terrible picture, but it's all I could come up with before the pre-naptime meltdown.

A List

2011-02-20T22:57:00.000-05:00

I don't use my computer anymore. My blogging used to be done while nursing, and now Malachi is so distracted that it just doesn't work anymore. My Internet activity occurs 95% of the time on my iPod Touch these days which isn't really conducive to blogging. But I have so much to say! Here is a list of things I want to blog about:

1. We are in contract for the fixer-upper next door.

2. We are getting chickens!

3. Malachi is cute and chubby. I want to eat him.

4. I am hooping now. Well, that's kind if an over-statement since my hoop is still in progress. But we're getting there.

5. I am soooo happy about the warm weather lately! Spring really is coming.

6. We've been spending a lot of time at the park the last few days.

7. I ordered several parenting books online and I am super-excited to get them in the mail on Tuesday!

8. I am also getting 3 free things in the mail! A mei tai baby carrier, a pouch sling, and a nursing cover. Yippee!

9. I have a new little brother. He's 10 and I love him.

My Little Green Monster

2011-01-24T10:23:00.003-05:00

More to come on this, but I am having to make some pretty drastic changes in my diet. I'm not sure of everything that will entail, but in general, it will involve being a lot stricter about eating only whole foods. I might go vegan. Not thrilled about that, but we will just have to see. Here is a picture of Malachi enjoying his green smoothie this morning. If he can do it, I can too!

A Good Memory

2011-01-18T23:17:00.001-05:00

I was just reading a friend's birth story and was reminded of a sweet moment after Malachi's birth.

Malachi had just been born via c-section and I was really drugged. They took me to recovery before I held him or even looked at him up close, but I was so drugged that I wasn't upset by that at the the time.

The next thing I knew I woke up and Malachi was being placed in my arms. He hadn't eaten yet. I had been anticipating this first meeting for months. But things had gone differently than I had planned and I was so tired. I was a little worried that I wouldn't have the energy to hold him securely or that he wouldn't latch on properly because of the delay.

I held him skin to skin and we figured it out together. He nursed and I stared and marveled that this little person was finally here. Our bodies snuggled together and we figured it out. It was such a sacred moment. God designed such an intimate way for our babies to receive their nourishment. How amazing is it that they can eat and snuggle at the same time? It's really quite brilliant.

Why I Wake Early

2011-01-18T07:01:00.004-05:00

I don't, actually. That's just the name of a poem I like by Mary Oliver. I'm only up early because I was wide awake and starving in what I thought was the middle of the night. So I got up to eat something and discovered it was 6 o'clock. Good time to get up. No one else is awake, and its kind of nice. I can see why people do this.

Life has been crazy lately. It's so long between each post that I feel like each one needs to be an update on our lives, instead of what I'd like to be posting, which is my thoughts about motherhood and life. Maybe I can combine the two.

I have been sick. Just before Thanksgiving I was extremely ill, and it was discovered I have issues with my gallbladder. I am learning to keep it under control, but it is a process, and last week I had a gallbladder attack that I am still recovering from. It takes me about a week to feel normal again, so I was out of commission for a few days.

We are buying a house. It's the fixer upper next door. We got it for a really good deal on auction. We're supposed to close in about three weeks, and then we'll be fixing it up all Spring and it should be done in the summer. We'll probably move in earlier than that but I'm not sure when yet. I can't wait. I understand why people feel like their house shrunk when their baby learned to walk. That's the way it is here. He isn't walking yet, but he is very mobile, and our apartment is an absolute hazard for him right now. That's because...

I have a new brother. I don't want to share too much about him without permission because he is in foster care, but he is ten. His name starts with a B. And he is a sweetheart. He adores Malachi, and I think Malachi is fixin' to adore him right back. B calls him "my baby", which I think is precious. He always says, "Can I play with my baby?" And how can I say no to that.

We've played fast-paced musical bedrooms in the house in order to make room for B, which feels right somehow: rearranging your life to make space for someone new. We ended up with less space, and while we are figuring out where to put all the stuff that is now crammed into every nook of our apartment, it is just one curious reach away from toppling on, poking, or bruising my dear child. So I've been doing everything one-armed lately, to keep him out of it. I hate that, because I want him to be able to explore his environment and practice his mad crawling, pulling up and cruising (walking along furniture) skillz. So we also go up to grandma's a lot, where there are vast expanses of carpet and tile for a baby explore without mishap.

Malachi has two teeth now. Getting ready for more I think. He is officially on the baby schedule, meaning he has an insanely early bedtime and I no longer go out in the evenings. It was bound to happen sometime. It's what's best for him right now. No more late nights for Mr. Malachi. He is a voracious eater. At 7.5 months old, he is eating chunks of food like potatoes and banana and bread and chewing them up with his gums. He just handles them surprisingly well for a baby his age. He's going to be an eater, this kid. He eats lots of our table food, and just a little bit of baby food. We are still struggling with supply issues, but the medicine I am taking to increase my milk is really working. We were down to 0-2 oz a day until I got sick, and we've been having lots more bottles since then. My supply is coming back up nicely though.

Malachi has been surprising me lately with his developing verbal and cognitive skills. Until now, all of his major milestone have been physical. Working on other (more maternal) sounds. He doesn't know what "dada" means yet, but he's been saying it for two weeks now. We are working on other (more maternal) sounds as well. Last night he was "sharing" his apple slice with grandma. When she asked for a bite, he would feed her. I couldn't believe it! This was the first time we've seen him recognize a verbal cue like that. It's hard to believe how fast they grow.

Furrow, Wrinkle, and Raise

2010-12-23T17:00:00.004-05:00

I'm obsessed with Malachi's eyebrows lately. They have grow in thicker in the last couple of weeks, and they add such character to his face! Those eyebrows accentuate the Joshua in him and I love it.

Pics to come when I start taking them again. We lost our computer cable for a while, so I couldn't transfer photos and I stopped taking them. Bad idea. I don't really have much of anything for the last two months.

A Spare Moment

2010-12-13T12:43:00.003-05:00

How I want to blog...so much to say, so little time. I only have a couple minutes now, but maybe I can start something.

Malachi is changing so much.

I never fully grasped that being with your child twenty-four hours a day means you notice everything. Their eyebrows growing. A new little mark on their skin. A couple ounces of pudge that weren't there last week. The tiniest development in a fine motor skill. A new sound. They are mundane observations that somehow mean the world to a mommy.

Malachi splashes in the bathtub now. He grunts to get my attention. He army crawls. He sits up by himself. He is quite mobile. Yesterday at church he was scooting all over the parkay floors. He felt unstoppable, I think. He is eating all kinds of things. Fruit, veggies, yogurt. We are starting meat this week.

We are still having supply issues. I had a bit of a meltdown last week realizing that this may just be how things how things are, and resigning myself to formula supplements, because my donor breastmilk sources won't last forever. And that turned out to be just the fuel I needed to find more sources. It looks like now we have enough milk to last at least the next month with more on the way. And several moms have offered to continue pumping just for us, so we should have a regular supply building up. I am so incredibly thankful for that.

I am still drinking water, eating oats, taking herbs, and pumping when I can. Malachi continues to nurse every 1-2 hours, so it's really hard to manage pumping in the midst of that. So today, I took a big step. I ordered a drug called Domperidone to increase my supply. It's perfectly safe, and prescribed for some things in the U.S., but hard to get for increasing breast milk. So I ordered it from New Zealand. I'm such a criminal. I am quite certain it will increase my supply, and may allow us to stop supplementing altogether. I might not even have to take it that long.

So many other things I want to say. But I need to make the most of Malachi's nap time. Off to clean the kitchen!

Silence

2010-11-30T14:16:00.003-05:00

I have posts I want to write, but not the opportunity at the moment.

You all know how it is. When Malachi is asleep, I have to do homemaker stuff. If he's asleep in my arms, I can use the computer, but not do much typing. I can use my laptop while he is sleeping next to me before I go to sleep at night, but alas, it is out of commission at the moment. That's why it's been almost three weeks since my last post. That, and health issues. But we are over those, and the computer should be fixed soon.

So, you will hopefully hear from me again before too long. But for now, I've got to mop up some spilled juice while Malachi sleeps.

Catching Up

2010-11-08T18:00:00.002-05:00

Joshua is with a friend right now and took Malachi with him. Ahhhh. I love my son. AND it is nice to have a break sometimes.

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've posted. I'm such a bad blogger lately! We've had so much going on the last month, between my wisdom teeth, supply issues and supplement, and vacation to Arkansas. I used to blog while I was laying with Malachi feeding him before a nap. But he's gotten bigger, and it's harder to juggle the computer and a squirmy baby! I'd like to have content other than updates on Life and Malachi, but it seems that's all I can manage these days.

Malachi is five months plus one week and growing like crazy. We are still supplementing him with donated breast milk. I am still working on my supply, but I am resigned to continue that until he is eating a lot of solids if need be.

Speaking of solids, we started a few days ago! I was all about waiting until AT LEAST six months to start him. But the supply issues we've had and the interest he's showing wore me down. I still feel a little bad about it (silly, I know).

I started a gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free diet for a while. I had been having some intestinal discomfort a lot lately, and I felt like I needed a good cleaning out. The first week I was super-strict with it. This week, I am introducing low-gluten (if its freshly milled whole grain) and raw dairy here and there. I am feeling much better. I was wary about doing a detox while nursing, so this isn't what I would consider a detox. I didn't want Malachi to receive toxins that my body is purging. I've made sure to eat plenty of calories and plenty of good fats. I'm mainly eating a lot of veggies, beans, non-gluten grains, and some meat here and there. There may be some detox that takes place, but a well-balanced healthy diet can only improve my milk, so I don't have much concern. Malachi has responded well so far.

Lucky me, I am going to Bible study by myself this evening. Well, I was planning on it until I wrote that, anyway. Do I really want to leave my baby while I go off to Bible study? Hmmm. Yes. Gotta go so I can catch a shower before I need to leave.

Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig

2010-10-28T00:23:00.004-04:00

We are adjusting to life at home again after vacation. It has been a frustrating week. Our vacation rhythm is way different that our home rhythm. So this week Malachi has been totally off, not being ready for sleep at night until 12 or 1 in the morning, not napping well. Uhhh. He actually will go to sleep at bedtime, but he treats it more like a short evening nap, waking up 30 minutes later with sweet smiles. Today he slept almost the whole day, only getting up twice for an hour at a time. I had to stay with him because every 20-30 minutes he kept waking with tears and needed to be nursed back to sleep. Then he was up the entire evening until almost midnight. Past my bedtime. But each night, it is getting a little earlier so within a few days we should be back to normal.

In addition, we are still dealing with nursing issues. They had all but disappeared by the end of our vacation. I was only giving Malachi a couple of extra ounces before bed, not because he was hungry, but for the calories. So I was all ready to take a break from the supplements for several days to see how how he would gaining with just my milk. But we got home and I got lazy and didn't follow my daily regimen (oatmeal, lots of water, Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle) to a T. So we have been having to add the other supplements back in. Yuck. BUT, at least he's gaining well. As of Monday morning, he had gained 1 lb, 2 oz since we started supplementing. An ounce a day! Yay!

From Beautiful Arkansas

2010-10-20T12:13:00.003-04:00

We are in Arkansas for a few days visiting Joshua's family and have very limited Internet access. I am at McDonald's right now so that I can check in.

Malach is doing great. We are still supplementing with donor milk, but my milk supply is increasing, and Malachi is gaining admirably. In fact, he has gained about a pound in the last two weeks! He is chubbing up nicely. If this continues, we are going to be off the supplements in no time. By the way, if anyone is interested, I am using a homemade SNS, which is working great. I love that he is still at the breast, and that I don't have to spend as much time pumping.

I was regretting the timing of this trip because of these breastfeeding issues, thinking that it would be hard to make sure I keep my galactagogue diet, supplements, and feeding Malachi on demand and supplements a priority while we are here. The opposite has turned out to be true. I didn't think about the fact that we are on vacation! That means no cleaning, no cooking or laundry, no appointments we have to rush off to while Malachi is kept waiting for food! I have done little except hold Malachi and feed him. It's been great for my milk supply, and I'm sure he's gaining at least as quickly as he was at home.

I wish I had thought to bring our camera so I could post a photo or two of our time here. Malachi is enjoying his cousins (12 out of 17 of them!) quite a bit, especially his cousin Sean who is about the same age. Unfortunately, all of those snotty noses resulted in Malachi's first cold. I'm so disappointed! I really thought the fact that he is breastfed would keep him from getting sick for a lot longer than this! But it's really quite minor, possibly because of his superfood. You should hear is cute little raspy voice though. It is quite adorable, and I figure since he feels okay, I might as well enjoy how cute it sounds.

We are headed to the Buffalo River (where we got married) with the fam today. Joshua will be here to pick me up in a few minutes, so I'd better wrap this up, but I can't close without saying again: Thank you! For your prayers and support and encouragement and time and MILK to keep Malachi an exclusively breastfed baby. It is so important, and I know it is only because of the help of the breastfeeding mommies around me that we were able to continue on this path. It is truly a testament to the power of community.

Where We've Been

2010-10-10T17:28:00.005-04:00

This is officially my fourth attempt at this post. Sorry I've been so silent lately, but we have been dealing with some things and it's taken a lot of my time and mental energy. And I haven't known what to say about it. I could just ignore it, but it's what on my mind. I don't know what else to write about.

The long and short of it is, Malachi is not gaining the weight he should due to breastfeeding issues. We are working to rebuild my supply. Our breastfeeding relationship is in jeopardy. It is hard. He is being fed now not only by my milk, but by the milk of other mamas in Roanoke who have generously donated their milk for Malachi. We are so grateful.

I will probably share more details in the days ahead. But at the moment, we are laying low for a few days to make sure that he eats like crazy and I pump like crazy, take extra good care of myself, and eat lots of lactogenics.

Be thinking of us, and if you are the praying sort, we would love some of those as well.

Seven Random Things

2010-09-30T23:07:00.003-04:00

Not feeling inspired tonight, just a little bored after laying around all day after oral surgery. So, you get to listen to my ramblings.

1) I need to start a blog idea notebook. Today on the way to the oral surgeon, I had a post idea I was really excited about. Apparently the anesthesia knocked it out of my head because now I can't remember it! Annoying, especially because I haven't been very inspired the last few days. Maybe I'll think of it again.

2) My oral surgeon was drug-happy. In addition to the pain meds and antibiotic, he gave me valium (which I didn't take), he gave me laughing gas, an IV anesthetic, and enough local that it didn't completely wear off until 12 hrs later.

3) I've been a little bent of out shape the last few days waiting for this oral surgery. My concern wasn't the actual procedure--I couldn't wait for that to be over with. My fear was the recovery. I had a bad recovery from a wisdom tooth extraction about 10 yrs ago. And with a little nursling to care for, I really didn't want that to happen again. Especially since he's been especially needy because...

4) Malachi is having a growth spurt. Yay! His weight gain has been a little slow, though the pros aren't concerned about it. Funny--the day after I decided to try feeding him more frequently, he decided he wanted to eat more frequently anyway. So he's been eating every 1.5 hrs or so, even at night. Normally the frequent feedings can be somewhat frustrating, but I have been nothing but happy about it this time around. I'd be glad to see him gain a couple of pounds, but I'm not going to worry about it.

6. As it turns out, my recovery thus far has been so easy! It must be because of my friends who have prayed, knowing my concerns and how important it was for me to heal quickly. Thanks, everybody! The pain isn't that bad, and I even ate (soft) solids for dinner tonight. I've had enough energy to run an errand (Joshua drove), fold some laundry, and...

7. I have a crockpot of oatmeal on so it will be ready in the morning. Looking forward to having a hot breakfast waiting for me when I wake up in a few hours. I've mixed in craisins, pecans, apples, and cinnamon. I'll let you know if the recipe is good.

It's long past my bedtime, so I will say goodnight!

Red Bead Giveaway Winner

2010-09-29T16:50:00.003-04:00

It's time to announce the winner of my red bead giveaway: my childhood friend Jessica, also known as Dumpysunshine in the comments section. Jessica, I'll be in touch!

Thanks to everyone who participated in the giveaway to make it a great success. I am looking forward to doing more giveaways in the future.

What Makes Me Laugh About My Husband

2010-09-29T16:07:00.006-04:00

My friend E does a weekly blog carnival called Midweek Laughs. This week I decided to participate.

The topic is: What makes me laugh about my husband.

Lots of things make me laugh about my husband, but the thing that always makes me laugh, even though he does it all. the. time. is the Sleeping Joshua. It goes like this: I enter a room, and Joshua plays like he's sleeping, letting hid head droop to the side and his tongue loll out of his mouth. He may be sitting at the computer. He may be standing at the sink. It doesn't matter if it makes no sense at all for him to be sleeping in that situation, he does the Sleeping Joshua. And it cracks me up. Wish I had a picture of this. [Edit: I took a picture of this (though its not a great one) so you could really see what I'm talking about]

Another thing that cracks me up about my husband is a little thing I like to call Rico Suave. A picture is worth a thousand words, so here you go:

Ignore me in this photo. I was 37 weeks pregnant and felt like Shamu. Joshua however, is putting on his fake sexy face. Which I find hilarious.

Unbelievable Peanut Butter Topping

2010-09-25T23:25:00.008-04:00

I just made some peanut butter topping that was so good, I wanted to lick the pan. It's incredibly easy.

1/2 cup Sugar

1/2 cup Water

1/2 cup Peanut Butter

Melt sugar into water over high heat, stirring occasionally, until boiling. Allow to boil for one minute. Remove from heat. Add peanut butter and stir until melted and smooth. I used crunchy peanut butter, but creamy would be good too.

We served this over brownies and ice cream. Cutting the water in half makes it thicker, and I would like to try swirling it into brownies. I have a feeling I'm going to be sorry I discovered this. It's too delicious and easy. Bad combination. Or good. Depends on your perspective.

Hospitality

2010-09-24T07:00:00.001-04:00

I can't tell you how many comments people have made to us that they are amazed at how social we are despite having a newborn. We have actually become more social now that we have Malachi. Seems weird I know, but it works for us. I am a very social person, but as an introvert, I need down time. When I worked full time, I had a greater need for down time on the evenings and weekends. Now, I get down time during the day. So evenings and weekends are fair game. We know the way we spend time with people will change as our family grows, but we are doing what works for us right now.

People have used the word hospitable a lot with us. I appreciate that, but it feels a little too virtuous for me, like we are doing it because we should. The truth is, we just like to hang out. We like people, and we want friends. And I'll be even more honest, it has more to do with Joshua than me.

Let me tell you a story about Joshua. When he was in high school, he felt left out. Much like a lot of us did, I imagine. And in his adult life he has felt left out at times, and so have I. There have been plenty of times we went to a new church and no one said hello, or went to a party and were given the cold shoulder. Whereas many people would withdraw at that point, Joshua has decided that as much as he can help it, he doesn't want other people to feel that way. So he goes out of his way to make people feel included. He invites people to stuff like it's his job. Seriously. If he sees someone new at church or in the group, I can guarantee he will try to talk to them, and likely, get their number and invite them to something that week, if not that very day.

That is a gift that I admire and respect about my husband. I won't say that I don't enjoy all of these gatherings, but to a great extent I am just along for the ride. I get to be the Hostess with the Mostest. It's a great gift, because if I was left to my own devices, I would be home by myself a lot more, often feeling sorry for myself because I don't have any friends. We have honestly both felt that way at times. Our solution was to do something about it.

I think if they are honest, most people will tell you they are lonely, wish they had more friends, or don't feel like they connect with people. It doesn't have to be that way. I want to share with you a few things we have learned as we have tried to be more intentional about making friends.

1. Take a risk. Tell someone you want to hang out with them, and schedule it then and there. We all know how easy it is to keep saying, over and over, "we'll get together soon!" And it never happens. So bite the bullet, and set a date.

2. Have people over. Especially when you have kids, going out can be a hassle, and expensive. So, have people over. A lot. Do it potluck style, so it doesn't rest on you to make the food. Or, if you are short on time, invite people over for coffee, or dessert. It doesn't have to cost a lot to hang out with people.

3. Invite people even if they never come. Have you ever felt left out because you weren't invited? We have. A lot. It has made us realize that people want to be invited.

4. Do what works for you. Joshua prefers large groups. He never wants to leave anyone out. I tend to feel lost in a big group, and prefer small groups. I can get to know people better that way. So we do both. Sunday afternoons are reserved for getting to know a couple or family from church. Everything else if fair game for Joshua to invite the world over.

5. Plan a regular event that makes it easy. We often do a fire in the backyard. Sometimes we have S'mores, sometimes not. But it is an easy thing because I don't have to clean up or plan for a certain number, and I can leave to care for Malachi if I need to. Someone else I know does "Front Porch Fridays" regularly, which is a similar concept that I love. Wish we had a comfy porch.

6. Invite people into your life. Our goal is not entertainment. It is community. We want people to enjoy themselves, but if they haven't connected with anyone, it's a waste of time. We invite people into our lives by having an open home. We love people stopping by, joining us for a quick dinner, or just hanging out while we do what we do. It's fun to have company while I'm doing the laundry or taking care of Malachi. Just hang out, or better yet, help me! Or you can bring along your bills, thank you notes or whatever you need to do and do it with company!

7. It's not just about having friends. You can hang out with people all day, but if you never let people see the real you, you will feel as lonely as ever when the party is over. I have found that when I am open with people, they are open with me. Don't wait for the other person to be vulnerable. Do it yourself. You will be glad you did. This is something I am constantly working on because it's hard for me.

8. Don't get bent out of shape if people say no. It used to make us feel bad when we planned an event and no one showed up. We saw it like a popularity contest and we were not the cool kids. Eventually we realized that wasn't true. All that mindset did was make us feel bad about ourselves and hold a grudge against our friends. People are busy. And it takes time to build relationships. If they can't come, oh well. Maybe it will work out next time.

9. Don't worry about a messy house. For years, I didn't want to have people over because the house was too messy. My husband, the ultimate social butterfly, really helps me with this. I remember the first time we hosted people together. It was a couple of months before we were married, and though it was Joshua's house, I was the significant other who kept things together. I will never forget the heated words we exchanged 5 minutes before people arrived when I tried to make Joshua iron the table cloth. I have learned to loosen up since then, mostly due to my husband's constant reminders that hospitality is important enough that if it can't be done with a clean house, it needs to be done with a messy house.

I would love to have a well-appointed home someday, with land and gardens, plenty of space to cram people who come to visit, a haven for the weary, a place to connect spiritually, enjoy and create beauty, to be loved on, laugh, cry and connect with friends new and old, to eat amazing food that we grew ourselves, or got from other local sources, and receive other good gifts that we have to share. In my dream, this house is always clean and decorated with the sights and smells of the season. It's a treat for people to come because the setting is ideal (think winding paths with willow trees and seasonal flowers, mountain streams and a pond for fishing and swimming) and the toys are awesome (think ATV's and big screens with surround sound). Yeah. It's never gonna happen.

I do have dreams, but what we have is probably better for now because it's forcing me to be real with people. It doesn't leave the impression that only people with spotless homes decorated just so, with special dishes and platters for company, can invite people into their lives. Those things are great, but people don't come to your home for the fresh bouquet on your shiny counter. They come because of you. So hopefully, if ever we do have the dream home, these things we are learning will transfer. I wouldn't mind having the best of both: real and ideal. That's what I'm talking about.

The Red Bead Tales: My Very First Giveaway!

2010-09-22T16:00:00.005-04:00

As I mentioned earlier today, I am celebrating the change of seasons and some changes for this blog by hosting my first ever giveaway!

I will be honest. I have had that post written for a week now. But I am a very indecisive person, and I just couldn't figure out what to give away. I always overthink these things. And by some flash of inspiration, it came to me yesterday.

Red Beads.

"Red beads?" you say. "What's so special about red beads?" Well, my friend. These aren't just any red beads. These are red beads with a story. Two stories, really. Lets call them The Red Bead Tales.

Story One: The Tale of a Necklace Shared

It started on New Year's Eve, 2009. I was at Ingrid's house, affectionately called The Nunnery by friends. There was dancing and singing and every kind of merry-making. And Ingrid was wearing red beads. I complimented her on them, and she said, "Red beads go with everything, don't they?" Well that was an interesting though. Actually, I'd never considered it. Do they?

I gave that simple sentence an unwarranted amount of thought over the next couple of months. I determined that yes, red beads do go with everything, and I would like some very much.

Enter June. I was newly unpregnant. At the grocery store with my fresh-from-the-womb bundle. And who did I run into but Ingrid. And Rebecca, who was wearing red beads. "I love your beads!" I told her. "Red beads go with everything, don't they?" It came out before I realized I was quoting Ingrid from several months ago. I really believed it, though. I was still without my own red beads, and I decided then and there that I was going to fix that.

"Wait," Rebecca said. I'll take care of it."

The next day Rebecca came over to hang out with Malachi and I. She handed me a package that contained, of course, the Red Beads. The same beads that she and Ingrid wore. I was so excited! "Where did you get these?"

"Let me tell you about these beads," she said.

Story Two: The Tale of an African Treasure

This is a very special string of glass beads that was purchased from The Binaba Shop, a fair trade non-profit shop here in Roanoke. They are antique French beads that were made in Venice 300 years ago and used throughout Africa for trade and commerce.

I thought that was very cool, so when I had some gifts to buy a couple of weeks later, you know what I did. There are now two midwives and a doula that are wearing these beads as well.

Atieno Asiyo, the store's fascinating and beautiful buyer and manager, explained to me that many beads were created for this purpose between the 15th and 20th centuries. Evidently beads were an important part of many world cultures, and they are now collected and made into jewelry.

Since they are beautiful artwork as well as former currency, many beads have been replicated for modern jewelry. I'm sure you would recognize some of the designs. By the way, if you are local to Roanoke, please stop into The Binaba Shop downtown across from Mill Mountain Coffee & Tea. It is an awesome store with beautiful art, jewelry, home furnishings, and natural bath & body products.

The best part: everything in the shop is fairly traded and the proceeds build hospitals and provide micro-loans in Africa. If you are interested in learning more about The Binaba Shop and Atieno Asiyo, you can read "The Education of a Kenyan Radical" (pg. 36-39) online in September's Valley Business Front. There is also an interview with Atieno here.

So those are the stories of the Red Beads. I wear mine all the time. Each time, I am reminded of the sweet women who gave me or received from me the same necklace. I have discovered, of course, that there are the occasional things you can't wear with red beds. But I can wear them more often than not, I tell you. One lucky person is going to have the same great pleasure.

So, on to the details...

You can enter up to five times. Please leave a separate comment on this blog post for each entry so you will be counted in the random number generator. Leave a way for me to get in touch with you for each entry. Deadline for entries is Wednesday, September 29, 9am. I will try to announce the winner later that day. Here are the ways to enter:

1. Leave a comment on this post stating what you are looking forward to about Fall. (required)

2. Blog about this giveaway with a link to my blog, and post a link in your comment.

3. Post a Facebook status update about this giveaway with a link to this post.

4. Become a follower of this blog (see column on the right side), or let me know that you are already are.

5. "Like" Binaba shop on Facebook (Binaba Shop Facebook page).

Let the fun begin!

A Change is in the Air

2010-09-22T07:00:00.002-04:00

I love Fall. With every change of the seasons I think that each one is my favorite, but with Fall, I really mean it. Really. And Autumn in the Blue Ridge is a sight to behold. The elevation of the mountains adds amazing depth to the foliage. The crisp air makes me feel alive after the sweltering heat of summer.

I love wearing sweaters, drinking hot beverages, making soup and apple sauce and pumpkin butter. This is also the season where I start getting ambitious. Something in my brain around the start of school tells me it's time to get serious about some things. Making Christmas gifts, dreaming about fruitcake that should be started soon (not that I've ever made it, but I dream about it), and resolutions of all sorts.

Along those lines, you may notice a change in my posts in the coming weeks. I've never talked about my intentions with this blog. Clearly, it was started with Malachi in mind. But there is a reason we didn't call this place, "Baby Grasty" or "Waiting for Baby". Though it has been thus far, I didn't want to just focus on our new arrival. There is a lot happening in our lives on many fronts. I want this to be a place to share those things, whether they are our children's milestones (or yardstones, as the case may be--Malachi found his feet today!) or working through parts of my own journey.

I love the name of our blog. There are so many facets to it, from the little Grasty that started growing inside me last September, to the deeper growth of the souls of each of us, babies and kids and mommy and daddy.

I want a place to document and celebrate our family life, but also to be a place where growth happens, through writing and figuring out life, through expressing opinions and exploring ideas. This is a place where we share life as we see it right now. We haven't always seen it that way. And we probably will see it differently in the future. That's why it's growth. Over time, I hope this blog will be a reference point for our lives as we become the Grasty's we are meant to be.

If you asked me today how to grow a Grasty, I would have some good ideas, but they are untried (by me, anyway). I like to think that in twenty years, if this blog were made into a real live paper and ink book, if I were to come across it on my shelf, I would find out how to grow a Grasty. And perhaps it could help others to know how to raise their little Smiths and Thomases and Browns. And how not to grow them too, I imagine.

That's a lot of mumb0 jumbo about a name. But I am excited. I feel like this is a Big Reveal in a sense. An unveiling of my true intentions of what I hope this place will be.

To celebrate the change of the blog, and the changing of seasons, I am having my very first giveaway! I am very excited about this, and I hope you will be too! The giveaway will be announced later today, and I can't wait!

This is Life

2010-09-21T11:05:00.000-04:00

Joshua and I have this funny line we say to Malachi when we are sharing something with him that we like. We think it's funny, anyway. It goes like this: we are sitting around the campfire, eating S'mores, playing cards, talking, whatever we do around a campfire. And one of us will say, "This is Camping, Malachi!" This little joke seems to transfer easily to whatever we are doing at the moment, and it makes me laugh and warms me every time. It reminds me of ET or something, explaining modern life to someone from far far away. Except the creature we are explaining it to is a new little Earthling. As if at three months old, he could put another notch in his belt and say, "Camping. Got it."

Maybe it's just me, but it makes me laugh every time. It warms me too, because really, we are showing him what life is all about. Every moment, he's absorbing so much more than we know. It is such a joy to share our life with him, even though he doesn't "get it" yet. It is already forming him and making him who he is. We love sharing with him the things we love about life.

Joshua and I both love the Fall. Every year we look forward to the leaves changing, anticipation of the holidays, warm drinks and hearty winter food. This year is no different, except that we have a new Love to share it with. We are bursting with anticipation at the thought of going to the Pumpkin Patch with Malachi dressed in his Fall-hued corduroys and knits; playing Halloween dress-up; giving specially chosen gifts to our beloved son who won't even know the difference. How much more fun will it be when when he really starts to get it?

Some of the loves we have shared with Malachi:

Camping

The Beach

A Road Trip

Snuggling

A Picnic

The Sunset

The Wind

Kisses

And the list keeps growing...

Last night, as we shared Dancing with Malachi, tears sprung to my eyes at the thought that we are sharing Life with him. He is learning about the sweetness of life from us. And we are learning it from him. I snuggled him close, and he snuggled back.

This is Love, Malachi. This is Life.

Pumpkin Spice Latte (without the Pumpkin)

2010-09-16T23:12:00.000-04:00

My husband loves Pumpkin Spice Lattes, but have you been to Starbucks lately?! So expensive. And not that good for you! I can make almost anything from scratch as long as I have a recipe to guide me. So I found a recipe, and made it. Sans pumpkin, though, since they don't seem to sell pumpkin in September. So it's really a vanilla latte. I modified it somewhat, and here's what I ended up with:

2 cups milk

1 cup strong coffee

1/4 cup Sucanat (or white sugar)

2 Tbsp vanilla (not a typo)

1/4 tsp cinnamon

1/8 nutmeg

pinch of ginger

It's pretty yummy! It is actually an expensive drink to make at home because Each 10 oz serving has .60 cents worth of real vanilla. But, compared to Starbucks, that's nothing! Some people to to Starbucks for the convenience, but I do it for the taste. It tastes even better if I save money!

Daddy and Malachi

2010-09-14T23:32:00.001-04:00

It was awesome to spend three whole days with Joshua over Labor Day. He was able to have some great times with Malachi. I even think that Malachi grew a bit in his attachment to his dad. It seems like he is now more interested in Joshua, and more willing to be soothed by him, and really enjoys his time with Daddy. It's amazing to see their relationship developing.

Joshua already has lots of fun games that he plays with Malachi. Even though Malachi doesn't get them now, he will in the future. He will remember all the silly stuff he did with his dad. I am looking forward to seeing it all unfold.

Cloth Diapering

2010-09-13T15:35:00.001-04:00

I read about cloth diapering long before we had kids, and decided that I wanted to do it. It seems intimidating at first, but in retrospect, I'm not sure why. Really, it's easy. And I'm no supermom. I'm lucky if I get the laundry washed most weeks, let alone folded. The biggest thing for me was it seemed like such a learning curve to figure out what kind of diapers to buy. I put it off for months because it seemed so overwhelming with all the options out there these days! I was concerned that I would buy something that didn't work for us, and I didn't have the money to waste. But really, it's not that big of a deal.

We ended up finding an online merchant who lives locally here in Roanoke, and I was able to go and see what all the different diapers are like. I also have a cousin who is loaning me her stash because she is unable to use cloth right now. Both of those things helped me get a feel for what kind of diapers I finally wanted to settle on. I also made the decision to use cloth wipes. I figure if we are going to do it, we might as well really do it.

I had people say to me, "Just be prepared that it might not work for you. It might be too much of a hassle." From the beginning, Joshua and I decided that cloth was our only option. We just don't want to spend the money on disposables. Environmental concerns are important to us as well. So perhaps it was our resolve from the very beginning that makes it work for us. It just isn't an option to quit. We aren't doing it for convenience. But even if we were, its easy. Really. If you are hesitant to try it because it seems a little daunting, let me encourage you. It is so simple. The only challenge is remembering to put a load in the washer. Even prepping the diapers to be worn is no big deal. About half the time I "fold" the diapers and put them in a basket ready to be used. The other half, they stay in the laundry basket and I stuff them one at a time as they are being used. Either way is easy, but if I can manage to get the basket folded, it's preferable.

Someone gave me some great advice when Malachi was just a couple of weeks old and still wearing disposables. She said to ease into it. Transition to cloth at home during the day, then add in nights, and finally, outings. I decided to do that because it sounded like a great way to ease into it. But I found that for me, it was easier to just jump in and do it. I am a creature of habit, so its much easier for me to just get into a routine and do the same thing every time than to constantly be switching between two systems. We started using cloth when Malachi was one month old, and other than the first few days, we've done cloth almost exclusively, even when we go out.

So we decided that for our big Labor Day trip, we were going to do cloth the whole time. And it was easy. (Are you starting to see a theme here?) We had to take all of our diapers, and then cart the dirty ones home, but since we have a truck, we had plenty of room.

Malachi camping in his BumGenius One Size

My favorite part of CD'ing is actually the cloth wipes. They are so thick that I never have to use more than one, even for the worst diapers. And I make a simple wipe solution that smells and feels great on the skin. I also love how cute he looks in them. The diapers are so cute and colorful that its sort of like he's wearing shorts.

Our system is a dry bucket with a liner and a lid that goes in the bathroom. All the diapers go in there when they are soiled. I pull out the inserts at that time, and the wipes go in the bucket too. Once it's full / most of the diapers are used I dump the whole thing in the wash. How easy is that? Most of our diapers are used Bumgenius 3.0. I love them. Love them. I got two brand new as a shower gift, and the remainder were bought on diaperswapper.com. The rest are a random assortment from my cousins stash that include Fuzzibunz, Thirsties, and an assortment of prefolds and covers. In all we have twenty-four diapers, and that has always been enough for 2-3 days, even when Malachi was only a month old. After the wash they are stuffed and put in a basket to be used, or if I am short on time, they just stay in the laundry basket and are stuffed one at a time as they are used.

So if you are on the fence, I recommend that you go ahead and try it! Find a friend who uses cloth and have her give you a little lesson. Or find a local shop where you can see the options firsthand. Also, don't let your baby's age stop you. Whether they are a little baby or a big baby, it's never too late to start using cloth. Let me know how it goes!

A Bend in the Road

2010-09-09T15:35:00.000-04:00

Malachi was officially three months old on September 2nd! The time has gone by so quickly, and yet sometimes it felt like it would take forever to get past the newborn stage. And it has happened, just like you all said it would. It was such a noticeable change that I actually counted which day of life it was for him. Eighty-four. That was the first day he let me sit still with him for any amount of time while awake and not nursing. And it has continued every day since. Now he will hang out in the car seat, enjoy a ride in the stroller, and an occasional nap by himself. It has changed my life! It's not that the change is so dramatic, but it is enough to allow me to keep my sanity, helped my attitude, and given me energy and motivation to get a little more done around the house.

He is growing so fast. We've seen some other fun developmental changes the last couple of weeks as well. He loves to look at "the baby" in the mirror! So cute! He gets all smiley like he wants to make friends. Yesterday he rolled from back to tummy for the first time, and since then, he is rolling all over the place! He loves to be naked, and if I lay him on his play mat naked, he will be happy for a lot longer than if he has clothes on. He works and works to grab objects, and he is just starting to get it. He has such a cute look of concentration on his face when he is trying to coordinate himself to reach for something. Most of the time though, he just waves his arms around to hit the toys above his head.

The biggest news though, is that he laughs now! The first time we heard that precious giggle, I thought my heart would burst out of my chest. It is just amazing to see his personality coming alive, day by day. He smiles all the time now, but I still am not used to that. The laughing just put me over the top. I can't take all his cuteness. I'm going to explode. He is such a little person.

Benadryl

2010-08-25T09:19:00.007-04:00

In theory I'm not a big fan of medicine for run-of-the-mill aches and pains. But when you watch my every day behavior, you may not notice. Even though I willingly went through an all natural labor, including eight hours in transition dilated to nine, I HATE pain. I talk a big talk about home remedies when I'm feeling good, but once the pain starts, its a different story. Whatever works to get rid of it, I'm all about. I do avoid antibiotics at all costs, but after a couple days of echinacea, garlic, or other herbal remedies, I yield to my discomfort and take whatever over-the-counter drugs necessary to avoid the effects of my cold, flu, or whatever. Actually, that's part of the reason homebirth was so appealing to me. I didn't have the choice of backing out. At the hospital, I probably would have gotten an epidural pretty fast because my values go out the window when I'm in pain.

So it's no surprise that when my baby boy cries like crazy in the car and I can't fix it, I'm not above turning to drugs. I know it's controversial, but I gave Malachi Benadryl this weekend while we traveled. I didn't do it because he was sick. I did it because he was hysterically crying and needed to go to sleep. My research told me this practice is controversial with a baby so young because the dosage is tricky. Also, most people who are critical of it tend to think that you are doing it because your child is annoying you with their crying and you are tired of hearing it.

I'm sure there are parents out there who use that reasoning, but I didn't. I did it because my poor baby got so upset in the car and I just wanted to help him calm down. It's not good for babies to have high stress levels (one of the reasons that I do not believe in crying it out, but that's another post). He cries when he's tired, and if he is unable to go to sleep, he just cries more intensely until he is truly inconsolable.

We tried everything. The best solution is usually loud parental advisory hip hop that I feel dirty listening to, but even that only works for so long. So after giving him constant attention until he reached his limit of being able to be pacified, we pulled over for a comfort nursing session and gave him the Benadryl. Just a tiny bit, small enough that I even doubted whether it would work for his weight. The result: it didn't work. In fact, if anything, he got more upset. In retrospect, it makes sense that would happen, since he's crying because he's tired. And if he's getting more tired, but still doesn't have what he needs to go to sleep, more crying would be the result.

But its hard to draw a cause and effect between behaviors like that. All I know is that he didn't sleep. He kept crying. The thing that finally calmed him down was when Joshua put his large comforting hand on Malachi's face. Somehow his daddy's touch soothed him and put him to sleep. It was an incredibly sweet image that made my heart swell with love for both of them. It was also an exciting moment, because it was one of the first times that Joshua has been able to soothe him out of such agitation, and I sense that Malachi may be ready for us to try some father comforts instead of always needing mama. Obviously, he is not out of the woods yet as far as newborn behaviors, this scenario being a perfect example.

So, say what you will about it, I gave it to him, and it didn't work. But we have another trip coming up, and I hate to think of him crying through it, off and on. Fortunately, he can be entertained by some things now, like singing and talking, and toys. Without those, we would have really been up a creek. My hope is that even in the next few weeks, his ability to self-soothe will improve and it won't be as much of an issue.

My question is what do you do? How do/did you keep your tiny baby from crying on long trips?

Flashback: 35 Weeks Gestation

2010-08-21T11:26:00.001-04:00

Occasionally, I have what I call a waking nightmare. When I have them, I am fully awake, sometimes in my car or daydreaming in bed. It's a very vivid daydream that something bad happens such as I get in a car wreck and Malachi survives, but I don't. It's quite horrific. Often these waking visions bring me tears to my eyes.

On Wednesday morning, I had one of these imaginings. And you know how sometimes the contents of a nightmare isn't that bad, but the emotions you feel at the time that make it bad? That's what this one was like. I imagined that I woke up in the middle of the night and was in labor. And since its too early to have a homebirth we headed to the hospital. I was afraid, both of giving birth in the hospital, and because its still a little early. I was also really stressed because our house wasn't ready for Malachi yet. Let me give you a vision of how physically unprepared we are for this baby. His room is full of bags and boxes of baby stuff we have accumulated. It was our room until about 3 weeks ago, so our clothes are still in the drawers and our trash is still on the floor where we found when we took the bed down last weekend. I guess it fell out of the trash can.

My room? Well, for one, it had about a month's worth of clean laundry unfolded in baskets. Books stacked 18 inches high on every available surface. The bookshelves half-painted in the middle of the floor in the way of everything. Joshua can't get to his side of the bed by walking to it. He has to climb in from my side. It's just that bad.

I have been working hard. Really, I have. But last weekend, my hard work consisted of making about 8 meals in single servings to pull out of the freezer for lunch and dinner each day. Without these, we had been eating out way too much, which is neither affordable nor good for our health. My hard work during weeknights consists of going to childbirth classes and midwife appointments. Between these, I am getting things done here and there, but a gestating woman a few weeks from her due date can only work so fast.

Needless to say, when I had this waking dream of going into labor with my house in such a state, I freaked out, both in the dream, and in real life. In the dream, Joshua called our friends Phil and Rebecca and told them what was going on, and would they be able to gather some people to get things organized while we were away. I dreamed that the hospital made Joshua go get a car seat because we didn't have one yet, and that he also picked up diapers while he was out.

When I snapped out of my dream-like state, I was a changed woman. I realized that this baby, though not due for 5 weeks, could come anytime now, and we. are. not. ready.

So I went to the midwife yesterday and discovered...I'm between 3 and 4 centimeters dilated and somewhat effaced. That basically means that I'm further along in the birth process than a lot of women are when they go into labor. I'm only at 35 weeks, so its a bit early for this. That means I'm off work for a few days, resting and trying to some natural remedies to delay labor. The goal is to get to 36 weeks. Then he will be full term, and I can have him at home whenever he's ready to be born.

So today, I sorted through baby clothes. My cousin brought a big stash of cloth diapers that I'll be borrowing. So now we have stuff to cover his butt and body. That's a big step!

Flashback: Eight Weeks

2010-08-21T07:59:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I find posts that were in progress that never got published. When I come across them again, I will title them as a flashback so the dear readers will know its not current.

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Malachi has been changing so much the last few days. He went through a growth spurt last week, and I've really noticed that he's changing. The biggest physical change I've noticed is that he's growing out of some of his newborn onesies. So sad. He would probably have more time if he weren't in the bulky cloth diapers, but either way they are getting snug. Developmentally, Malachi can now see me in a room from a few feet away, and WANTS me there. He's following me around the room with his eyes! Yesterday, I put him in his swing for a few quick minutes while I made some food for myself. He was "done" with the swing and started crying right as I finished cooking, so I headed in there to get him. As soon as I came in the room, he stopped crying, so instead of taking him out of the swing, I sat next to him and ate while he swung. He was happy to sit in the swing for another 5 minutes, just because I was with him! This is a big change. I used to be able to put him, almost asleep, in his swing or bassinet to go to sleep. I could go in and out of the room cleaning, or checking on him, and he wouldn't know the difference. All that is about to change I guess!

Another Complaining Post

2010-08-20T10:41:00.002-04:00

I wrote this a few days ago, but somehow it's easier for me to publish these not-so-positive posts a few days after the fact than when I am in the depths of despair (to quote Anne Shirley).

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I don't know why it is that I only feel like blogging when something is wrong. Wait. Yes I do. It's because 1) writing is a release, and 2) I'm looking for encouragement and support. So here goes...

People keep asking me about how our nights are going. The answer: fine. We co-sleep, so usually we both get a great night's sleep. Joshua has moved back into the bedroom, so we are adjusting to less room in the bed, but other than that, no complaints.

What we really have an issue with is days.

I'm so frustrated. My sweet baby never wants to be put down. If he's awake, he wants to be held and (usually) walked. If he needs to sleep, he won't go to sleep or stay asleep unless I hold him or lay by him so I can comfort (read: nurse) him when he stirs. This is how we spend the majority our days:

I honestly don't mind holding him. I think it's very good for him and for me. I believe in holding my baby and don't believe it will spoil him. What I mind is that my laundry hasn't been folded in weeks, I'm only in my kitchen long enough to make a mess preparing food, and the kitty litter stinks to high heaven. I wear him in a couple of different carriers, but my back can't handle carrying him around all day. So we mostly sit.

I've been given all the advice from varying ends of the spectrum, and I've tried the things I feel comfortable with. They haven't worked thus far, and just end up making me feel more frustrated. The only advice that really works for me is, "stop having goals and making plans and just be with your baby. When I can manage to do that, I have my best days. But it's hard. As a new stay-at-home mom, I have all these things I want to accomplish. Mostly keeping the house clean and organized, the laundry done and folded in drawers, and meals. And showering. I would like to do that on a regular basis as well.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm failing at this. I feel like I should be able to manage the bare minimum of housework. And I also often feel like I must be doing something wrong if I can't get my baby out of my hands for more than 20 minutes a day without crying. As many times as I've been told that's not true, there are a lot of sources out there that say otherwise. As if I needed another reason to second-guess myself.

Everyone says to appreciate this time, because before I know it he will be too old to snuggle and hold. And I'm trying, I really am. I don't feel like this every day. About once a week maybe.

I've heard that after three months, things will get easier. Please tell me this is true. He will be three months in two weeks, and I am looking forward to it. And yet I have this sneaky little devil sitting on my shoulder telling me I should feel guilty for looking forward to my baby growing up. I know he will only be little for a short time. I ask you: why would I want to wish this scrumptiousness away?

I want to cherish every moment. But it's hard sometimes. So go ahead, encourage me. And give me advice about how a baby-wearing mama can get things done. How do/did you do it?

"Doing In" My Husband and Other "Mistakes"

2010-08-19T18:11:00.009-04:00

I am scatterbrained even on my best days. And in terms of organization, the days lately are far from my best. This is the excuse, however lame, I am using for the dangerous, but overall humorous, shenanigan I pulled earlier this week...

I was making lunch for Joshua on Tuesday. Chicken Curry, one of his favorites. The chicken was not thawing fast enough, and I was in a hurry (no surprise there).

Mistake Number One: In my haste to get it on the stove, I plunged the knife between two frozen breasts, and twisted. I heard a crack, and as the knife came loose, I realized that the tip of it, about 3/8 of an inch, had broken off in the chicken.

Mistake Number Two: Since I didn't have time to let it thaw completely, I decided I should just go ahead and cook it. When it was done, I dug around in the offending piece of chicken for the knife. I could see the knife tip, but couldn't seem to get it loose. Keep in mind, this chicken is in a thick, dark curry sauce. All of the sudden I lost track of the knife tip. Oh. Great. Did I get it out, and it fell in the sauce? Or did I push it deeper into the chicken? I wasn't excited about either prospect.

Mistake Number Three: I dished up the Curry, thinking that this sizable, shiny knife shard would be easy to spot once it was in a smaller portion on his plate. I actually gave him the chicken the shard would have been in intentionally, because I wanted him to find it. As I handed him the chicken, I announced the situation, and that he needed to be on the lookout.

Twenty minutes later, I asked Joshua if he had found the knife. He hadn't. Hmmm. I ate my chicken. I didn't come across it either. I dished the leftovers into a container, and no knife shard to be found. Double hmmm.

Ten hours later:

Sandra: You know, I'm a little worried about that knife shard.

Joshua: I'm surprised you gave it to me. I would have thrown that piece out.

Sandra: Yeah, I should have. I don't know what I was thinking (Hmmm, I don't know, maybe about the BABY screaming in the background as I rushed around to get lunch ready?!?). We should say a little prayer.

So we said a little prayer.

Twenty minutes later I can't get the chicken out of my head. I decide that I'm going to inspect the chicken again. Joshua says that we should use the metal dectector. Seriously?!? We are going to metal detect our chicken?!? So we did. I'm sure we looked a hot mess in our front yard metal detecting our Chicken Curry. But we didn't find it.

I was certain that Joshua would have been the one who ingested the knife, seeing as how I gave him that piece on purpose. And since we couldn't find it in the chicken, it must surely be making its way through his intestinal tract by now. This was not good.

Next step: call all the medical professionals we know. They reassured us that he wouldn't die, but a knife in your intestines could do some damage. (Ya think?) We were told that we could wait it out to see if it passed.

"How do we know if there's a problem?" we asked.

"It will hurt if there is a problem", Dr. Serge said.

"How long will it take?" said I.

"How long does it take to see corn after you eat it?" Queried the good doctor. (Really? How scientific!) "Wait that long, plus 24 hours. If it hurts, or you have a fever, that's bad, very bad, and you must go to the ER straightaway."

Okay, then. Since all we had to do was wait, we might as well look through the chicken again. If that didn't work, we were going to metal detect Joshua. Yes, you read that correctly.

So we looked through the chicken. We didn't have to metal detect Joshua because we found the missing knife tip. It was in the sauce after all. It was a lot harder to see than you would think, since it's a shiny metal object. But evidently it shininess was overpowered by the dark thick curry sauce.

What a relief. I haven't been that scared since the time I went to pick Joshua up from a day of fishing and couldn't find him and it was after dark and there was no cell phone signal. And there was fast moving water and no street lights because it was in a State Park.

But that's another story. The moral of this story is: don't feed your family sharp objects. There's a good chance they will puncture their intestines. You wouldn't think I would have to learn that one from experience, but apparently, when you combine everyday tasks and new motherhood, you'll get some doozies.

The End.

Thank you for listening.

And here's the knife:

Toddlerisms

2010-08-18T14:55:00.000-04:00

I am seven years older than my sister, so I clearly remember when she was a toddler and learning to communicate. I got such a kick out of her saying i-peem (for ice cream), back-a-yoom (for vaccuum), circle (for the ham and cheese roll-ups she like to eat for lunch), and mix-chew (for the mixture of different types of juices she would combine to drink in the morning). Whenever she felt we needed to buy something she thought we could get it at a store specific to that item, like the bread store.

I know Malachi has a long way to go before he's a toddler, but it will be here before we know it. I look forward to the stage when he learns to talk and starts experimenting with language. With that in mind, these are some "toddlerisms" that moms shared with Mothering Magazine on Facebook recently. They are adorable and made me laugh. I included the translations at the bottom with the corresponding number if you can't figure them out. It will be fun hearing Malachi use some of these and make up his own.

1. Slickery, Slipperly

2. Farkle

3. Libaberry, lie-belly

4. Bumbrella, Rainbrella

5. Twirler

6. "Dat's increbidle!"

7. Skun Skeen

8. Doodle

9. Punkany

10. Hound Dog Bus

11. Kepich

12. Headboard

13. Baby soup, Timmin toot

14. Bilboes

15. opticus

16. Fillow Pipe

17. Lemon-made

18. Spadachios

19. Heart beep

20. Understorm

21. Lasterday

22. Dinoscore

23. Vap-cume

24. Refrigulator

25. Resternot

26. Yipper, lipper

27. Waterlemon, ladolemon

28. Ca-buzz

29. Canpakes

30. Frip frops, slip slops

31. Imporkinant

32. Doodle

33. Comfterbler

34. Hopgrassers

35. Ska-meeto

36. Handy downs

1. Slippery 2. Sparkle 3. Library 4. Umbrella 5. Squirrel 6 "That's incredible!" 7. Sunscreen 8. Noodle 9. Company, as in, "Mom, will you keep me punkany?" 10. Grey hound bus 11. Ketchup 12. Forehead 13. Bathing suit 14. Elbows 15. octopus 16. Pillow fight 17. Lemonade 18. Pistachios 19. Heartbeat 20. Thunderstorm 21. Vaguely meaning: "at some point in the past" 22. Dinosaur 23. Vaccuum 24. Refrigerator 25. Restaurant 26. Zipper 27. Watermelon 28. Because 29. Pancakes 30. Flip flops 31. Important 32. Noodle 33. Comforter 34. Hopgrassers 35. Mosquito 36. Hand-me-downs

What about you and your kids? What toddlerisms do you still talk about?

My Little Weed

2010-08-17T17:20:00.010-04:00

Why do we compare children to weeds when they grow? Malachi is way cuter than a weed, but he is growing a lot lately. Mostly in length. Two weeks ago at his last appointment with the midwife, he measured 24.5 inches. It looks like he's in the 95th percentile for height, and the 5th percentile for weight. So funny. I never thought I'd have a tall skinny kid. But I did marry Joshua.

Tonight I measured Malachi's foot against the ceramic footprints that we made for Father's Day when he was just over a week old. His foot completely covered his little footprint! Everyone tells you that they grow so fast, but you can't really appreciate how fast until you experience it.

It's easy to make him smile and even laugh occasionally. We discovered a couple of weeks ago that he has dimples, which we love. He gets them straight from his daddy. He's drooling all over everything. I need to start having him wear a bib, but I keep forgetting. On the way to take Joshua his lunch today, he was pushing the plastic buckle on his carseat into his mouth so he could suck on it. That was completely new. It makes me think he might be an early teether. A little one we know has been teething for a couple of weeks and he's only two weeks older than Malachi, so it's possible. I hope not though, sheesh!

What else?...He's started gazing into my eyes when he nurses the last few weeks. It's so dear. And speaking of his eyes, they are changing to lighter shade of blue. So it looks like he'll have Joshua's eyes.

Probably the funnest thing about his development lately is that he's really into music. When he is upset, it is sometimes the only thing that will calm him. I discovered it when we were in the car, and he was crying his poor little head off. On a whim, I turned the radio up really loud and flipped through the stations until I found one he liked. It happened to be Eminem and Rihanna's new song, "Love the Way You Lie". Great. He's going to be trying to listen to all the music with parental advisories. His favorite so far is Coldplay, and he also likes Patti Griffin, James Taylor, and Elvis Costello covering the Beatles (what?!?!). This is my child.

We took him camping last weekend, and he did pretty good. He's always really into his surroundings, so I think all the bright colors made it hard for him to take his naps. So he was a little grumpy. It was probably good birth control for our single friends who camped with us. But you know, they're single, so that might be good! All weekend, when we would do something that was quintessential camping, like sitting around the campfire eating S'mores, or playing cards under a tarp during the rain, we would say, "This is camping, Malachi." We got a kick out of ourselves.

So here's a picture of our little family on our first camping trip together. Malachi was pretending to be a bear.

Thank you

2010-08-04T11:43:00.001-04:00

Thank you so much to those who have responded to Malachi's birth story with comments and personal notes. It feels good to share something that resonates with people. It was good for me to write it too. It is healing to share my birth experience with others. And I love that it has resulted in others sharing their birth experience with me.

A few days ago I watched a friend's homebirth video and cried. It was beautiful. Just what I wanted. It's hard to be reminded of what I didn't have.

I wanted a homebirth, but instead of a homebirth I got--not a natural hospital birth, or even a vaginal birth plus interventions--but a freaking Caesarean. It couldn't have been further from what I had hoped to experience. At least I got the kid out of it. And as long as we're talking about the perqs, I did love his perfectly round head and unsquishy face.

I'm so glad that I labored at home the way I did. At least I got to experience that. It was so beautiful. The entire experience for me (until the end) was everything I thought it would be: hard, exciting, exhausting, exhilerating.

Weight Loss

2010-08-03T04:10:00.006-04:00

It's not happening the way they said. "They" told me that when you breastfeed the weight comes right off . Well, not for everyone apparently. Two weeks after Malachi was born, I had lost all but nine pounds of my pregnancy weight. I was pretty happy about that. Then it proceeded to stay there for the next five weeks. Until last week, when it started to go back up! What in the world! Heck, yes I'm eating a lot, but seriously, people, weight gain?! This kid is eating constantly, I'm sure its at least the 600 extra calories they say babies take from their mamas.

This has got to stop. I'm taking this in hand. Don't worry, I'm not going to starve myself. I just need to eat a little smarter. And start exercising now that my 6-8 week recovery period is officially over. Evidently the ten pound weight I carry around for hours a day isn't cutting it.

My midwife says this is perfectly normal, but its not going to kill me to replace brownies with fruits and veggies. I don't think anyway. I've never tried so I don't know for sure. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Sleep and Other Advances

2010-08-03T02:21:00.004-04:00

Malachi is snugged up next to me in his swaddling blanket sound asleep, and if I took everyone's advice, I would be too. But my days and nights are about as messed up as his lately. It started at 4am Sunday morning when he woke up for a couple hours. He went back to sleep. I didn't. Later in the day, I napped to recuperate from a short night, and that kept the cycle going.

Lately, Malachi has been changing like crazy. He had a growth spurt last week and he is not only bigger, he is smarter too. He's decided recently that he likes it better when I'm in the room. He wiggles his little body with delight and watches with interest the spinning owls above his bassinet each time I set them in motion. He smiles when he's naked. He smiles back at us when we smile at him. He smiles when we find a new tickle spot, which seem to be getting easier to find lately. He loves to take baths, and loves the shower even more. He's getting better and better at working his itty-bitty thumb into this mouth, and I find myself rooting for him, though I'm sure one day I won't be so thrilled by it. I've resigned myself to it though, since he comes from a clan of faithful thumb-suckers on both sides. I'll just be glad if he quits by the time he goes off to college.

He changes his sleep habits just about every week. Some are better than others, and I always hope those are the ones that stick around. I am finding a pattern in some of his behavior which is helping me to keep sane. It's been work to get him to sleep and stay asleep during the day. I've resorted to wearing him during most of his naptimes. I think its good for both of us, but it is tiring to carry ten pounds around all day. Last week, I was a little discouraged because I am tired of having my (minimal) plans thwarted all the time by a growth spurt, a new sleep habit, or unexplained bout of fussiness. I doesn't help my motivation level. I gave up. The house was a mess. I just didn't feel up to a mad dash of cleaning during the few times I had fifteen minutes that I wasn't taking care of Malachi. Thankfully, we had a guest coming over on Thursday afternoon, so just short of squalor, I had no choice but to clean up. Joshua helped though. Bless him.

My motivation returned somehow on Saturday evening when I decided, maybe without thinking it through very well, that we needed to invite someone over for lunch on Sunday after church. I guess I figured the house was clean, I had simple food to prepare, what did I have to lose? And that's what led to the aforementioned wakefulness in the wee sma's of Sunday morning. After Malachi fell back to sleep, I kept thinking about the things I needed to do so that lunch would be ready when we got home from church. So I got up and cleaned the kitchen, made spaghetti sauce, straigtened up. I know, I know, I just had a baby a few weeks ago, and I should take it easy. That's what everyone tells me. And I promise, I'm not trying to sound like SuperWife / Mom. As soon as our lovely guests left, I hit the bed and slept for four hours. It was lovely.

Of course then I woke up and decided that we needed to take advantage of the fall-like weather and have a fire in the backyard. We called some friends over to join us, and there went my opportunity to clean the kitchen from lunch. (My guests offered to help, but in true idiot fashion, I said no). Here it is Tuesday morning and my kitchen is still in the recovery process from the weekend. And instead of sleeping when normal people sleep, I am up at all hours--not caring for my newborn infant, but stalking people on facebook and IMing with a long-lost friend.

So, when the next person asks me how sleep is going with the new baby, I will tell them it's great! I will be too embarassed to tell them that although my baby slept through the night, I am sleep-deprived because I was too busy taking advantage of my one chance to listen to my thoughts and write them down.

Sleep. Who needs it.

Flashback: 10 Days Old

2010-07-22T03:12:00.000-04:00

I wrote this post on June 12th, when Malachi was 10 days old. I didn't post it at the time because I intended to write more, but now I will post it as it is, for my memory's sake.

Malachi is 10 days old today. We've been home a week. It's been a wonderful, hard week. I've never spent so much time with someone. When you are with a person pretty much 24 hours a day, staring at them from 12 inches away, its amazing how you notice the tiniest changes that no one else would be able to see.

I started on Malachi's birth story while we were still in the hospital. But I can't seem to finish it. The memories became so fuzzy right away. I've remembered things over the last few days, and friends have reminded me of other things.

I wish I could write a beautiful, eloquent post about babymooning, and how happy we are. But honestly, at the moment, I am feeling more "postpartum-y", than "babymoon-y". I'm tired of being dependent on drugs to feel good. I want to take a bath and I can't for 5 more weeks. For some reason that seems like a real hardship right now. I have the motivation to be up and about, but not the energy for it. I have concerns about Malachi's weight gain. It doesn't take much to make a new mama worry. I'm frustrated at how everyday living creates such a mess, and I'm not really in a position to clean it up right now.

Flashback: 1 Day Old

2010-07-22T03:08:00.000-04:00

Less than 24 hours after Malachi was born, I was hit with a wave of sadness and regret. I can't believe how quickly it hit me, and I burst into tears. I felt guilty for feeling sad during what was supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life. But that's Baby Blues for you. Those feelings continued on and off for about 10 days. This is what I wrote.

I wish that he had been in a better position. I wish that I hadn't thrown up all day. I wish I had best well-rested. Given the circumstances, I am thankful for the sign that something wasn't right.

The thing I regret most was that I wasn't with it when Malachi was born. Had I know the effect the nausea medication would have on me, I would have turned it down...

The Long-Awaited Birth Story of Malachi Justice Allen Grasty

2010-07-22T03:02:00.000-04:00

I actually wrote this from the hospital, the day after Malachi was born. In the interest of being authentic, I haven't made any edits. These are, for the most part, the facts, not the feelings of the June 2nd, 2010, the day our beautiful son was born.

I wanted to write out the birth story while it is still fresh in my mind, for me, for Malachi, and for those who love us and are interested in our lives. I know there are those who are curious about what happened, especially how the home part of it went, and how it turned into a c-section after a planned home birth.

I went into labor around 4:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning, June 2nd. I hadn't slept at all, though I had tried. I'd had a long nap that ended around 2:30 in afternoon that day, because I hadn't slept at all the night before either. Less than an hour after the contractions started, I knew that this was our day. I called Alicia (my midwife) and she and the birth team were there by around 7:30, I think. I labored in different positions while the birth pool was filling. They measured me late morning, and I asked not to be told since I didn't want it to change my perception of how long it would continue. I believe I was at 6 or 7 at that time.

I kept laboring. Got in the pool. It was hard. But I knew I was doing it. The birth team was so supportive. My husband was amazing. I couldn't believe how much it helped just to have him there by my side, looking in my eyes and telling me "You're doing it!" My midwives and doula were so helpful to help me manage the pain. Everything was going great, even though it was the hardest thing I've ever done. The only problem was I wasn't keeping down solids or liquids. Literally every ounce I drank came back up.

By early afternoon, I was dilated to 9. I got excited. I knew the hardest part was almost over and I was going to push this baby out in just a matter of time. Joshua and I jumped in the shower b/c the birth pool needed to be refilled (I had vomited in it. Oops.) We laughed and cried in the shower over our little boy that we would meet so soon. I held on to him during contractions. But the limited space wasn't giving me enough options for birth positions.

I got back in the refilled birthing pool. Knowing that this would be over pretty soon, I had someone call my girlfriends, Ingrid, Kim, and Heather to let them know they could come watch a baby being born this afternoon. We were that close. I was just waiting to feel that urge to push. And it started to come. And it came and it went, not that strong, just a little pushy. I kept contracting. It hurt so bad, but I knew I could do it. For some reason, I HAD to take a drink toward the end of every. single. contraction, or I would vomit. And if I took the drink too late, there my water, or sports drink or whatever, would go, ounces and ounces of precious fluid--energy that I needed to finish this. It went on like this for hours. I got more and more tired, and nothing was staying down.

I started to lose energy. Finally, somewhere around 8:30 p.m. (I learned later), I threw up again. Probably 36 ounces of energy, down the drain. I knew there was a problem. Why couldn't I keep anything down? I didn't know what time it was, but I knew it had been a long time. Why had I been dilated to 9 for so long without any further progress. When Alicia came into the room, I said something along the lines of, "I'm really concerned about the vomiting. This is really not good. I think I need an IV," She said she agreed, and was just coming in to convince me (she thought) that it was time to go to the hospital. She didn't go into details at the moment, but said the vomiting, the lack of progress after hours at 9 cm, and a couple other things, were all indications of a problem. I said, "Okay, I want to be gone in 5 minutes."

She called the hospital to let them know to expect us. They rushed us up to a room. I knew that things were going to change, and whatever happened, it would not be a natural birth from here on out. I was okay with that because I knew it was what needed to happen. I was pretty low on energy, and out of it, but I recall that I agreed to the IV. I threw up. I agreed to nausea medicine. We did an ultrasound and discovered that Malachi was in an occiput transverse position (if I recall correctly), and that was the cause of the failure to progress past nine centimeters. I agreed to an epidural so that the doctor could literally stick his hand inside and manually try to turn him. If it worked, I could still possibly deliver vaginally. The procedure was unsucessful. Where some babies heads have room to move, his head seemed almost stuck in that position. My midwife was surprised the doctor was able to move him at all, but even the small amount that he shifted was not enough to make a difference. So my options were:

A) Continue to labor with the epidural for an hour or two more to see if he would move. If he didn't shift, I would need a c-section.

B) Do an internal fetal monitor to check the strength of my contractions. If they weren't strong enough, take some pitocin to get him to shift. If he didn't shift, I would need a c-section.

C) Go ahead and get a c-section.

We decided on Option C. The reasons were that a) I had already been pushing with strong, hard contractions for hours. My midwife believed that my contractions were strong and hard and yet had not cause him to shift all day. It seemed unlikely that an hour or two more would help, especially since the doc couldn't even move it. B) I was concerned about the possible complcations of pitocin. Malachi could go into fetal distress, the c-section would become much more urgent, and there coul be delay in having him with us, a delay in breastfeeding, breathing problems, etc., and I really didn't want that. C) If A or B didn't work, which was likely, C was our only option anyway. I felt that I was ready to be done with this. After 17 hours of labor (before medicine), I was ready to hold my baby.

I didn't feel upset. Or pressured. Or disappointed. I just felt it was the decision that needed to be made, based on the circumstances.

So we did it. All the drugs messed me up. I don't know if they were normal side effects or what, but man, I was out of it. I felt almost paranoid, not about the surgery, but just about how weird I felt. I'm sure that was a side effect. I was not alert at all. When they showed Malachi to me, I couldn't really take it in. I saw Joshua holding him, and felt so incredibly fuzzy and tried tried tried to stay awake to look at him but just felt confused and sort of other-worldly, and a sense of not-rightness that they were over there, and I was over here in a fog. I couldn't feel happy. I was too drugged. I remember feeling concerned about him eating. What would they do if I couldn't feed him because of my state? I remember desperate, disconnected thoughts going through my head that I had to tell Joshua to make sure Malachi got to breastfeed tonight, even if he had to hold him to my breast. And I remember fuzzily reassuring myself that I didn't need to tell Joshua these things, he already knew, and I could trust him to do what was best for Malachi.

When they woke me to take me to my room, they handed him to me and I was concerned that he would fall out of the bed. I couldn't barely hold him. And then we were in our room, and he ate. And I slept. I fed him again. And in the morning, I really saw him for the first time. He was beautiful.

That's where I stopped writing. It was the middle of the night, and I was exhausted. I didn't anticipate that it would be seven weeks until I felt ready to come back to this story. Since then I've been able to recall more details about that day.

I remember being surprised that he didn't look like a fresh from the womb baby. He wasn't red and puffy. He looked a week old. I remember feeling relieved that he was so beautiful. I really expected to look at him and see both of us in his features, and I didn't at all. It took a few days to see us in him.

I remember feeling so disconnected from Malachi, and disoriented. I had expected to feel an immediate connection, like I already knew him. That's the way my mom describes the moment she saw me for the first time. But it wasn't like that at all. I kept asking myself, "Is this love that I feel?" It felt less like love to me than responsibility, or ownership. Looking back, my feelings seem so normal. Considering the circumstances, I don't know how I could have felt differently. I was so out of it and incredibly tired. As OB after Pediatrician after nurse came in and out of the room, for what seemed like all day, I would literally fall asleep between their questions.

It took a few days to feel a strong connection to Malachi and I felt guilty about that. That feeling made me feel very regretful that he had been born by c-section. Not that there really was a connection, but in my mind there was. I believed that if he had been birthed from my body, instead of surgically removed...If I had felt him crown with my fingers, seen his head being born, and pushed his body out of mine...If I hadn't been handed my baby two hours later, still so drugged that I had to struggle to keep my eyes open on one of the most significant days of my life...If he had been caught by the four hands of his mother and father, his new family, the people who he will share life with and who will love him best...If his slippery little new born body had been placed on my chest fresh from the womb...If we had both been alert, our bodies and minds unaltered by medicine...If those things had happened, then I would have felt the connection I had anticipated, I thought.

But over the next few days, the hours that we spent together, me getting to know him and learning to provide for his needs and feed him, through pain and fatigue, and him learning how to eat and breath and live in the world with me by his side, bonded us together. We learned together. And my love for him grew so fast and deep that it overwhelms me at times.

And now, seven weeks later, the rough beginning that we had doesn't matter in the same way. I don't regret the decisions we made. It was the best decision under the circumstances. But I regret that it had to happen that way. I wish Malachi had been in a better position in the womb. I wish that I had been able to keep my food and fluids down so that I could have possibly labored for a few more hours. I wish that I had been well-rested. But since those things didn't happen, I am thankful. We needed the hospital. We needed a c-section. We were one of the exceptions to the rule.

People are all the time saying that it doesn't matter how he got here, all that matters is that we got our baby, and that we are both healthy. I appreciate what my midwife told me. To loosely parephrase, "It does matter. You can be thankful that you have a healthy baby, but you can also be sad about the how you got the baby. When you lose something that was special to you, it matters, and you are allowed to grieve what you lost." That expresses very well the feelings that I have about it. But each day our experience with Malachi grows, and his birth, though significant, is just one small part of our life together, a life that is all the time growing and changing, as we grow and change together. We are so in love with our precious baby boy.

Crying

2010-07-12T23:43:00.000-04:00

I only have a minute. My mom is spelling me for a little while, and I should be sleeping. We had few good days, and a few rough days. We're in the midst of some rough days now. Thanks to those who have sent encouragement. I am having a rough time today. I'm tired of the crying. It is hard to remain sympathetic. But we're surviving. I'm hoping that we get a good day or two here soon, or I might go off the deep end. I'm going to make an effort to start pumping in earnest. I really want to be able to leave for a few hours if I need a sanity break.

Thanks also for your suggestions about what to try. I am working through the list. Next is gripewater and probiotics that several have suggested. I'm praying that something will work.

HIgh Times, Low Times

2010-07-08T20:52:00.001-04:00

Joshua always tells me, when I am experiencing the highs and lows of life, that I should be blogging this. I don't take his advice nearly as often as I would like, probably because the highest and lowest times are the hardest to put in words. But tonight, I am taking his advice.

To call what I'm experiencing a low isn't really accurate. I'm actually very happy, would not describe myself as sad or depressed in any way. What I am experiencing is, in a word, just hard.

Malachi has colic. Until a few days ago it wasn't too bad. Every couple of days he would be clearly highly distressed for anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of hours. He was sleeping in three hour stretches through the night, and we were able to manage the colic using a swaddling blanket, swing etc. Then three days ago, it changed. Malachi began sleeping only 45 to 1.5 hour at a time with inconsolable crying in between. He still has some longer stretches here and there, but not usually uring the night. He wants to nurse almost constantly. He'll have a while here and there where he is happy as can be.

Needless to say, I haven't been getting much sleep at night. I have been surviving by sleeping more during the day, which means nothing is getting done. When Malachi is awake, it's taking some effort to keep him content, if its possible at all, so I usually can't get anything done then either.

I know we're not experiencing anything that unusual. That's a small comfort, but it doesn't help much when it is happening to us. It's just hard watching my child suffer, especially when my own fatigue just serves to heighten my emotions about the whole thing.

Amazingly, I'm handling all of this better than I thought I might. Somehow its easier to deal with hard things when I'm the one responsible. Malachi needs me to keep it together.

On a positive note, he is changing so much. He is almost too long for his smallest onesies. He is holding his head up so well. I just started doing tummy time with him on Tuesday, and he decided to roll over four times! He didn't like being on his tummy, so I guess he was motivated. Unfortunately, I didn't see any of them because I was cleaning the kitchen. I'm just taking Joshua's word for it.

He's also really interested in watching objects move the last few days. We've been putting him in his bassinet and turning his mobile on and he will listen to the music and watch the little owls go round an round for 10-20 minutes before he gets bored. He is also looking into my eyes alot when he nurses now, which is so sweet.

He's such a joy. He smiles all the time when he's feeling good. I am so looking forward to his colicky-ness being over, because I can see that he has a great temperament.

(P.S. The photo is from July 4th. We went to a party at our friends' the Hillery's. Joshua loves to put cute outfits and shoes on Malachi for special occasions, and this photo is an example of that.)

We're Back

2010-06-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

Sigh. I didn't mean to have a month-long blog break, but I guess that can happen when you have a new baby. And a computer that decides it doesn't want to get online anymore. It's being fixed, but in the meantime, all I have is Joshua's computer. Most of my computer time is also nursing time, which means one-handed typing. When both of my hands are free, I guess I have other priorities. Like showering. And doing laundry.

Laundry. It has now taken over my life. And we haven't even make the switch to cloth diapers yet. Eek. That's supposed to happen in the next few days.

Everyone is asking how our nights are going. Some are even asking if he's sleeping through the night. Well, the answer to that is definitely "No! Newborns aren't supposed to sleep through the night!" But probably two-thirds of our nights couldn't be better. The other third are usually

not too bad. Since Malachi sleeps with us, I basically sleep through his night nursing. It's only when he is colicky or wakeful that its a problem.

Overall, we are doing great. We are so glad that Malachi is here. Joshua has said numerous times that he never thought he'd want to kiss a baby so much. Malachi is already changing and learning things. I know that should be obvious, but its still shocking to see him holding his head up, etc. It's just more proof that this month is the first of dozens that will just fly by and before we know it, our baby boy will be all growed up. Trying to cherish every minute.

Joshua will be home soon, so I will wrap this up. I'm hoping to start posting a little more. A birth story is forthcoming. I started writing it the day after Malachi was born, actually. But you know. Processing takes time. So I still need to finish it.

No Baby Yet

2010-05-30T18:06:00.001-04:00

At the moment, I am content to wait. I feel more relaxed about the whole thing, and I think its helping me sleep better. We are going to try and get an ultrasound tomorrow to see what sort of position Malachi is in. It will help us know if he's in some sort of mal-position, and if that is holding things up, or if its just not our time yet. I'm leaning toward it just not being quite the right time yet.

Once we get to a week past his estimated due date (June 4th), if he still isn't here, we may try some light induction such as castor oil to see if we can get things moving again. I hate to put him on a time table, but we have a family reunion that I really want us all to go to. It's in Michigan, and I know that the later he is born, the less likely it is we will all be ready to go on that long trip. If it doesn't end up happening, it's okay. But I am figuring that a 3 week recovery time for both of us is about the minimum we would need for it to be possible.

It's funny. I'm sure some of you think I'm crazy for even thinking that I could go. And others are thinking, yeah, three weeks is possible. I think it just depends on how Malachi is doing at the time, how I'm recovering, etc. We'll just have to see.

I have found myself getting more lethargic the last few days. I think its the restless nights in combination with just being so pregnant. Yesterday, I was tired of being cooped up in the house and so, at my request, we went out to run some errands. I thought that's what I wanted. But once we got out, I did not want to be on my feet at all. My back starts to hurt when I'm walking around or sitting up. And my feet hurt when I'm walking. I wanted to get back home and in the reclined position as quickly as possible. It's the only way I'm truly comfortable these days. I feel like I'm hibernating or something.

I feel very good about my decision to start my maternity leave. I'm sad that the countdown to going back to work has already started and we don't have our baby yet. But at the moment, it just seems right to me to be resting, nesting, and waiting for Malachi without the drain and distraction of work. I'm thankful that it's possible for me to be home right now. And also very thankful that Joshua, who is usually the "suck it up and deal with it" sort, has been so understanding. I think he sees that its a difference between what I am capable of doing, and what I should be doing for our little family.

One last note. We have started using reverse psychology on Malachi, knowing how kids will often do the opposite of what their parents want, just because. So we are telling him he can stay in there forever if wants. We are okay with it if he never comes out. If he's like most kids, he will probably do the opposite, right?

Self Talk

2010-05-29T00:27:00.000-04:00

I don't have to be special to have a natural birth. That's the beauty of it. It's normal. Or it should be. I don't have be extraordinary. Things don't have to be just right. Things can be rough around the edges. In fact, they will be. Ordinary women have been having natural births for thousands of years. Not SuperWoman. She doesn't exist.

When people say how "brave" I am, or how "strong" I am, it is easy to fall back into the cultural belief that not just anyone can do this. And that its risky in some way. It's not true, and that way of thinking is not helping me right now. Natural birth is normal. God designed my body to give birth, and I can do it.

I am thankful for doctors that will be there in case of an emergency or something abnormal. If the end result is a hospital birth, a c-section, or other less invasive interventions, I will be thankful. I will not feel like I've failed myself or that I'm a bad mom. There are exceptions to the Rule of Normal, and I will not beat myself up if this birth is an exception. But unless I see evidence of that, I am going to move forward with the belief that this birth will be normal. Normal! Do you hear me?!

I will not beat myself up if I lose my resolve and head to the hospital because in the moment I feel its too hard. I don't want to think about that one, but I need to let my future self know that its okay. So, Future Self: It's okay. You didn't fail. You did what you felt like you had to do in the moment, and it's okay.

Just a little bit of self-talk in response to my fears.

You're welcome for letting you listen in. Anytime.

Women's Work

2010-05-28T14:03:00.001-04:00

As I have gotten to this stage in pregnancy, I am more convinced than ever that birth and labor is women's work. I don't mean just giving birth, but supporting birth and catching babies. A woman's intuition is so helpful in these things. Last night in my midwife's home and three birth professionals, none of whom are doctors, sat around me on a bed and took turns feeling my belly and doing an internal exam (not fun) until they determined what position Malachi was in. This took at least 40 minutes. This is a skill and an art. What doctor do you know that would a) spend this much time with you, and b) care that much? Because when you give birth in the hospital, they could care less what position the baby is in as long as he's not breech. If it causes back labor (excruciating) or long labor, it doesn't matter to them because they are more than willing to do a c-section if things aren't moving quickly enough. Midwives care because the default attitude is that a baby can and should be born naturally in almost every situation, so let's remove any barriers necessary to make that happen smoothly.

And they did these things in such a gentle, compassionate way. They care about me and are excited about Malachi. They are concerned about how I am doing emotionally after several days of labor and expectation that I would have a baby any time now. They explained things, massaged me, held my hands and helped me to breathe when something was painful. And dang, when they swept my membranes it was painful. I really needed the support of a loving doula, and they gave that to me. When they sensed that I was still carrying fear about giving birth, they gently probed so that they could reassure me.

All of these things were given to me by women who have been there and made it through. It just isn't the same coming from a man.

Still Waiting...

2010-05-28T13:19:00.000-04:00

So we've now had 4-5 days of early labor. It happens often enough, but its a little unusual. At my weekly appointment with my midwife last night (the appointment I really hoped would be cancelled due to a birth), we discovered the probably reason why I haven't gone into active labor yet: Malachi is engaged with his hand on his head. My body is trying to gently move him into a better position before going into active labor. Sometimes it works and sometimes the body will just kind of give up and decide that we need to get the show on the road, even with a less than ideal position. Either way, this can sometimes go on for days and days and really wear a mama out before the hard work starts.

The problem with a malpositioned baby is that it will often result in a longer, more painful labor. Frequently, it causes back labor, which is definitely to be avoided if at all possible.

I'm actually patting myself on the back with the hand on the head things because I called it several weeks ago. We had an ultrasound and his hands were up near his head the whole time. He may have even been sucking his thumb. It was so cute. The photo is from that ultrasound, and you can see his hand up there. And it made sense because I always feel little tiny movements like fingers and fists down there near the his head. It caused me to wonder if he was engaged that way, because I seriously felt it all. the. time. I looked it up online and saw that indeed, it does happen, and indeed, it can cause some seriously "fun" long and painful back labor. Nice. Just what I need when I am planning my first natural birth.

So then at an appointment when one of the midwives was feeling externally for the position of his head, to see if it was engaged. Indeed it was. And THEN, what do you know, as she was gently but firmly manipulating his head, she felt a little "something" pull away very quickly. A hand. She was squeezing his poor little hand, and he didn't like it! How cute is that?! What's kind of cool (not as cool as him moving his hand) is that babies born like that will often sleep and just hang out with their hand(s) up by their head. It's just comfy for them.

All that to say...I've got a little work to do today. My birth team gave me several exercises to do to urge Malachi to get that little hand out of the birth canal. These include getting on my hands and knees, the polar bear position, and some funny techniques where someone lifts my pelvis off the ground with a piece of fabric and shakes me so that Malachi will move out of the birth canal and have the chance to move his hand. It sounds strange because it is. But when you see it, it makes sense that it would be effective to get him to move.

Also, I had my membranes swept. Not fun. Several women online who have both given birth and had their membranes swept said that giving birth is preferable any day. Sweeping the membranes is physically separating the bag of waters from the cervix. It is a somewhat gentle (thought it doesn't feel like it) method of inducing active labor. I was somewhat reluctant to induce in any way when I wasn't even past my due date. But I opted to go for it because after several days of early labor, my midwives suggested that this could bring about active labor, which could help Malachi move into a better position. In addition, early labor is tiring and going through it for days upon days does not set you up to do well once things really get moving. If my body isn't really quite ready, this procedure will not be effective. But if it is, and I keep stalling out because of position issues, this could be what I need to jump start things. If it works, it will work within three days.

Either way, if Malachi doesn't move his hand, I'm in for it. Please pray that he moves his sweet little hand.

So I should stop writing and get back to scrubbing floors.

Preparing for Birth

2010-05-25T07:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning I woke up around 7:45 with what felt like gas pains. The pain was constant, and contractions were coming about every 15 minutes. They weren't painful though, any more than the cramping/gas pains already were, so I got ready for work. I didn't want to get my hopes up. But at the same time, I was pretty uncomfortable, and I had some things to do if today was going to be Malachi's birthday. So I decided that I needed to stay home and prepare. I spoke with Alicia (my midwife). I cleaned. I tried to ignore the pain, but its really hard. So I asked my friend Rebecca to come over for some help and company. We ran a few errands and then came back home and cleaned and prepared food for the birth that could be frozen if things slowed down.

I know how common it is for these things to start several times over several days before it becomes the kind of labor that brings a baby. It takes a lot of self-control not to freak out and get overly excited. But I knew I could be in for disappointment if I let myself get too excited. As Alicia says, sometimes you don't know the labor is birth labor until you see a head.

Around 2 p.m., things came to a pretty abrupt halt. No more contractions. No more cramping. I called Alicia (my midwife) and she said don't worry, you could still have a baby tonight or tomorrow. Or it could be another week or two. You never know with these things. I took a nap. I figured if this was the calm before the storm that would help. Then Joshua and I took a long walk downtown and back to see if we could get things moving again. I literally had one constant Braxton Hicks the entire time we walked. But no labor contractions.

For the rest of the evening and through the night, I was attentive to my body, hoping to feel some sensation of real contraction again. I went up and down the stairs a few times. Maintained my activity level. When I woke up this morning, I hoped that it would start as soon as I woke up, just like yesterday. No dice. And so we keep waiting.

And thus begins the birth process...

Even though all this hasn't resulted in a baby yet, that's why it's happening. My body is preparing Malachi and I for birth. It wasn't yesterday, and it may not be today, but it will definitely be soon. There's no way around that. I've never before experienced pain that I wanted to continue and get worse. Strangest thing ever. Sometimes it would build in intensity and I thought it would be nice if it would stop for a minute. But I didn't want it to stop really. Because that pain is what's going to bring my baby to me.

Joshua suggested that I write all this down. My mother, like most, didn't write down the details of my birth. Thirty-two years later, its hard for her to recall how long her labor lasted, what it felt like, etc. And some of that information would be helpful to me now. So for my sake and my childrens' I want to record these precious times so that we never forget.

I've got to go to work. Will it be my last day? Or will I be there for another week? Only God knows Malachi's birthday. But maybe it will be today...

Tired

2010-05-16T20:40:00.000-04:00

I just have time for a quick update before I go to bed. Yes, it is only 9:00. But in the last few days, the word that best describes me is: tired. I actually still feel good, much better than I thought I would at this stage. Maybe that's just because whatever discomfort I feel, I know it will be over soon. But I am finding that simple activities like cooking a meal or straightening the house wear me out and I need to take a nice long rest afterward. Fortunately my new work schedule allows me to do that. It also takes me forever to get up or walk anywhere. My uterus is pretty sensitive to movement sometimes so I have to walk reaaaaaally slow or I have Braxton Hicks contractions a lot. I feel like a pregnant large mammal such as an elephant or hippopotamus instead of a human. Lots of lumbering, waddling and belabored movements.

We had our home visit with our midwive and "birth team" today. We made sure all the essentials for our homebirth were in place and discussed some details. It's crazy that he could be here anytime. Tonight, for all I know. I realize that at 38 weeks with my first baby, it's not likely, and he could really be almost a month longer. But it's still hard to believe. At one point I held up one of our little newborn diapers to my belly, and we laughed at the thought that it already fits him!

Joshua starts his new job tomorrow. He will be doing groundskeeping on the campus of Virginia Western, the community college he just got an Associate's degree from. It's only 30 hours a week, but it pays better than my job so it is almost equivalent to what I have been making. So that will allow me to work part time at the most, which is really important to us. I worried so much about how things were going to work out for us financially when the baby comes, but like everyone said, it all works out in the end. I am excited because for however long it lasts, 30 hours a week means a few more hours a week that Joshua can be with Malachi, and maybe me too, depending on the work schedule I end up having. Not many dads get that luxury with their newborn, so we definitely realize it is a gift.

Also, Joshua has been remodeling the bathroom. It's not done yet, but it is fully functional, which was my biggest concern. We didn't have a shower on our level, and I just knew I didn't want to deal with having to go upstairs to use the bathtub during labor or the days following. I have been so thankful for his hard work. He says I should buy him a fishing pole in appreciation for it. I say he's already getting a baby, what more appreciation does he want?!

Part Time

2010-05-03T21:21:00.000-04:00

I'm living in luxury. I talked to my boss about cutting down my hours until I go on maternity leave, and voila! I'm a part-timer! Nine to three. This is going to make a world of difference.

a) I get to stay up and/or sleep in an hour later.
b) I get to leave work around the time each day that my body starts to get really uncomfortable and I don't know how I'm going to make it to the end of the day.
c) My body won't feel as bad, so it won't take as much toll on my mental and emotional state.
d) I can take a nap and it won't throw off my bedtime.
e) I can run errands and make phone calls that need to be done during business hours.
f) I still have time to clean/cook/do projects in the evening!
g) I am still bringing in some money while I can.

Downsides:

1) The cute ankles that I got back during my week off disappeared by noon. I cannot believe how fast my feet swell when I am sedentary. Even when I put my feet up (which I do), it just doesn't make a difference because of the way I have to sit at work.
2) It's still work.

I have been willing to tough it out because really, I could have done it. I know a lot of women do. But after seeing the difference in my body, mind, and emotions last week when I was off, I realized how important it was. Sure, I could tough it out, but I don't think it is the greatest idea, for Malachi or me, to be worn down in every way right up until I give birth. I realized it's not just about whether I can tough it out or not. It's about doing what's best for us.

I am so thankful we have the option financially to make this choice, and that my husband is understanding and willing for me to begin winding things down a few weeks early. He is a stickler for being tough and riding things out till the end, so I really appreciate when he able to go against those instincts for the sake of his family. I've got a good one.

By the way, a lot of people are curious if am going back to work or not. At this point, we are planning on me working part time to supplement our income until Joshua has full time employment. In the meantime, I am pretty happy that Joshua's part time work will allow him to have more time with Malachi than most dads get. I am so willing to share work outside the home for a time so that he can have that!

And, An Update on My Progress

2010-05-02T16:52:00.001-04:00

My midwives say you should always assume that the baby will be here late, and you will have the longest labor ever. I am following that advice. So, here's to 6 more weeks of pregnancy, and a 10 lb baby.

Having said that, it appears that I might be in for a faster labor, and perhaps a sooner labor than that. My midwives' experience indicates that since my cervix is already quite soft, open, and thinned, once the baby drops and there is more pressure on my cervix, things could move pretty quickly. I might go into labor soon after he settles into the birth canal, which could be anytime now, and the labor itself could be quite short. As in, less than 8 hours. We shall see.

As I said, I am trying not to get my hopes up for any of this. He will come when he is ready. But dang it, child, I would like to have not have to go back to work tomorrow. Listen to your mother.

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho

2010-05-02T15:42:00.000-04:00

Dang it. I have to go back to work tomorrow.

I didn't realize until I took the last week off, how much of a toll working 40 hours a week is taking on my body and emotions. You wouldn't think that sitting at a computer 5 days a week would be that big of a deal. Pretty good if you have to work in your last few weeks of pregnancy. Wrong. At least for me Somehow the lack of circulation and sedentary-ness of it takes a major toll on my body, which makes me feel beat down and tired and emotional.

This week I have had energy, almost no swelling, my body hasn't been sore and achy, my emotions have been even-keeled and positive. When people are asking me how I feel, I have responded, "Great!" forgetting that just a few short days ago, my response would have been more akin to, "It'll be over soon."

Yes, I am complaining. And I guess I can do that. It's my blog. Don't think less of me, people.

I am going to talk with my boss about cutting my hours per week down to thirty. I think that would help quite a bit.

To Do List

2010-04-25T12:54:00.000-04:00

List of things to do while I'm not supposed to be doing anything:

Make Malachi's quilt and curtains
Sort and fold baby clothes
Send thank you notes for shower gifts
Prepare addresses for birth announcement
Help Joshua with his homework
Look for jobs for Joshua
Spend time with a couple friends who are available during the day
Try to wrangle help for things I can't do like putting books back on our newly moved bookshelves.

This Baby is Confusing Me

2010-04-25T12:29:00.001-04:00

Things are progressing. I am between 3 and 4 cm dilated and somewhat effaced. For the non-parents out there, many women don't get that far until they are in labor. It's possible that Malachi will be coming soon. I am at 35 weeks + 2 days now, so its a bit early.

Some are quick to say that we are sure to have a baby within a couple of weeks. Others are quick to say not to get my hopes up, I could still have a month or more left. It's one of those things that depends on the woman and the baby, and how they prepare for birth together.

My goal, along with my midwives, is to do all we can to keep him in for about another week. Even though he may stay put for a good long while, we are taking all the precautions necessary so that waits until 36 weeks. After that, he will be full term, more likely ready to be born, and we can have a homebirth.

The game plan is very light activity (staying home from work) and taking herbs and other home remedies to stop the signs of progress when necessary. Good thing I made all those meals last weekend. I'm also, finally and reluctantly, taking an antibiotic for my chronic uti. It has been coming and going, but at this point, I need to make sure that its not a uti that's trying to bring on premature labor.

After I reach 36 weeks, he can come anytime. I will most likely go back to work until he comes or I can't take it anymore. I want him to come when he is ready. But, after all this drama, and thinking he could come anytime, its hard to think about waiting another 5-7 weeks. Unfortunately, I have a feeling that's what I'm in for.

Kitchen Fest

2010-04-25T12:19:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago, things picked up speed for me. Joshua has been busy Monday through Thursday nights since January, with either class or work. I have been more or less free until my childbirth classes started, along with more frequent visits to the midwife on Thursday nights as my pregnancy has progressed. So now I am busy on Mondays and Thursdays, and sometimes Tuesdays with other new mommy type classes about breastfeeding, etc.

Anyway, that first week, I was so rushed to get us fed and to our assigned places, that I didn't have time to cook. After a few days of scrounging around the kitchen (no time to shop) and going through the Wendy's drive thru, I'd had enough. I spent all last weekend preparing meals for the freezer so that we could eat good food.

So, now I have prepared:

Chili
Meatloaf and Mashed Potatoes
Shepherd's Pie
Lasagna
Honey Mustard Chicken
Curry Chicken
Chicken Salad
Chicken Packets to eat on Salad
and soon to come... Chicken Enchiladas

Most are divided up into individual portions to pull out of the freezer. Some are in 9x13 pans to go in the freezer when we so desire. After those ones are cooked, I will divide the leftovers up and stick them in the freezer too.

So we have plenty to eat now, and I am happy.

Love/Hate

2010-04-18T17:47:00.000-04:00

Joshua says that I need to make a list of loves and hates about pregnancy so that I’ll remember what I'm getting into before getting pregnant again. So, here starts my list. I reserve the right to add to it at any time I recall a new love or hate.

There will probably be a lot more hates than loves, but some of the loves are way more rewarding than the hates are deterring.

Disclaimer: My mom taught me not use the word "hate". And I usually abide by that. But this is poetic license because it just doesn't sound right to say DISLIKE in opposition to LOVE. HATE is the opposite of LOVE. Also, the loves are way more rewarding the the hates. Love totally wins.

PREGNANCY LOVE/HATE LIST

HATE: Swelling. Not being able to bend over or get out of bed without calling in reinforcements. Constipation, having to pee. a lot. Fatigue. Battling UTI’s. Being itchy. Sleeplessness. Waddling. Not being comfortable in any position other than lying in my bed for more than 20 minutes, except sometimes with a heating pad. Not being able to watch a movie all the way through because I am uncomfortable and/or can’t stay awake.
LOVE: Clear skin and thicker hair. Hmm. It seems in this category, there are a lot more cons than pros!

HATE: The baby punching and kicking me in by bladder, kidneys, and other vital organs.
LOVE: Feeling and seeing the baby move. Getting to see other people experience feeling and seeing the baby move.

HATE: Constant thirst and being so reliant on water to keep me feeling good. My body being unusually responsive to what I put into it. A longer list of foods that I enjoy less because because I know I'll regret eating it later, including: pizza, salsa, chocolate, sugar in general.
LOVE: Getting into a consistent water-drinking habit for the first time in my life. Being more conscious of nutrition.

HATE: Wearing the same outfits all the time. Feeling fat even though I know that fat and pregnant are NOT the same thing.
LOVE: People telling me how good I look. Hearing that makes me feel a lot better.

HATE: Crying over little things like swollen feet.
LOVE: The downward mood swings are USUALLY better than PMS.

HATE: Feeling like a wimp with no character because of how hard all of the above physical things can be hard for me to handle.
LOVE: Developing slightly more endurance and character because as pregnancy goes on, it takes me just that much longer to start whining, complaining, and feeling at the end of my emotional rope.

HATE: That sometimes it seems like all people see anymore is this belly. Answering the question “how are you feeling?” over and over and over again. Being honest when it's been rough and then feeling like a whiny complainer because I was honest.
LOVE: People’s concern for me—questions about how I am feeling, etc.

HATE: Unsolicited advice about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. Having to bite my tongue when people start soliloquizing about these subjects because evidently, my opinion doesn’t matter yet.
LOVE: Helpful advice about pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting that includes the words “everyone is different”, “take it or leave it”, “you’ll figure out what works for you” or anything similar that doesn’t make me feel like my intentions are laughable.

HATE: People thinking I'm an invalid and can't life a 5 pound box.
LOVE: How helpful people are.

HATE: Hearing “oh that’ll change once the baby is born” when I talk about cloth diapering, breastfeeding, camping, having people over, etc., etc., etc. Really? Will it? Because I know plenty of people who manage to do what’s important to them as a family. Not that our lives won't be completely altered, but it won't be altered in the exact same way yours was. We are a different family.
LOVE: Hearing how this baby will change our lives forever in good and hard ways, and suggestions on how to make it work for us.

HATE: Realizing that there is give and take in parenting. That like everything in marriage, mine is not the only opinion that matters.
LOVE: The way my husband looks at me now that there are two of us to love. Seeing him morph into a parent.

HATE: When people think I look ready to pop. No offense to those people, but I'm not ready to pop at 28 weeks. Or 30 weeks. Or 34 weeks. But I feel ready to pop and you asking me just reminds me that I'm not going to anytime soon.
LOVE: The joy that it brings to strangers to see me pregnant. The conversations with random people who, just because they see a pregnant woman, want to share their joys of parenting and pregnancy. Children are just that awesome and bring joy and meaning to your life that you never imagined.

HATE: Thinking about how my moments of stress and tears might affect Malachi in the womb.
LOVE: Talking and singing to Malachi, and knowing that he hears me. Knowing that my heartbeat, my voice, and my body are his home. He is with me all the time, my little sidekick.

HATE: Worrying. Knowing that it will never really go away because it's part of being a parent.
LOVE: The baby you get at the end! Feeling an inexplicable love and connection with this person you’ve never even met. Dreaming about living life with my tiny baby, or little boy, or teenager. The love that people already have for our unborn child just because he’s ours.

HATE: Stretch marks. Knowing that my body will never be the same, and not in a good way.
LOVE: Even the stretch marks are like bittersweet trophies that symbolize the sacrifice and love of motherhood.

HATE: Back pain. Weird joint pain in my feet, hands and hips. Indigestion like I’ve never knew existed. All kind of aches and pains and general discomfort from carrying a watermelon around for months.
LOVE: Realizing that the physical pain I have so ardently avoided in life is the inevitable result of pregnancy, and that I would gladly go through a hundred times worse for the end result. Being glad for even the most horrid parts of pregnancy because they are a sweet reminder of my sacrifice, and the life-altering end result. Feeling like motherhood is already changing me for the better.

So, do I love being pregnant? I think the majority of the time, yes, but not all the time. It's all worth it though.

Winning Stuff

2010-03-30T18:16:00.000-04:00

So, my childhood friend Sara has a blog, and she is having a giveaway. She's giving away a book for parents of boys called Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys. She gave it a rave review, and after checking it out on Amazon for myself, I've decided that I need this book, whether I win it or not. Since I will be nurturing a boy soon. :o). Maybe you will want to enter the giveaway yourself. On second thought...don't. That way I have better chances.

31 Weeks!

2010-03-27T13:41:00.000-04:00

Evidently I called it too early. It hasn't gotten uncomfortable yet. Not really. Though I do have a bit of a cold that is currently keeping me up at 5am. It's not that bad, but combined with the normal pregnancy restlessness, its keeping me awake. I'm just happy its the weekend. If I were awake at this hour on a weeknight, it would wreak some havoc on my workday. I know its coming, but at the moment I am still getting great sleep (normally), and am hoping that continues for another month.

I have my first shower in two weeks. Dang. I'm pretty much finished with my registry. I've just got a few loose ends to tie up, namely, cloth diapers. Such a hard decision for my indecisive and cheap self.

Also, I cleaned out the closets in Malachi's room today. Really, its still our room, but we probably will have moved by next weekend. I'm hoping anyway. Looking forward to our new big room with no dust bunnies or missing socks under the bed yet.

Boys in Girls Clothes

2010-03-16T21:27:00.000-04:00

So I just saw an amazing deal for cloth diapers from someone here in Roanoke. Fuzzi Bunz One-Size All-in-Ones. These are really great diapers, and she’s selling 15 for $250. That’s less than $14 each for pretty much the best diapers you can buy. And then I noticed…they are pink and purple. Why?! Why do people have to buy gender-specific everything for their babies?!

I would almost do it anyway, but I know Joshua won’t go for it.

I prefer gender-neutral or boy stuff that look more gender neutral. Then it’s not so clearly a hand-me-down for baby girls we may have some day. When you start looking at baby stuff, you realize that “boy stuff” can often go for both. Bright colors, neutrals, pastel blue, yellow and green, even stripes, are just as appropriate for girls as they are for boys, in my opinion. It’s the girl stuff—pink, flowers, bows, and lace—that will really confuse people on a boy.

It Has Begun...

2010-03-13T21:28:00.000-05:00

The third trimester is here. A week ago, I was talking about how good I feel, and thinking I had a few good weeks of that left. Now, I'm not so sure. I don't feel terrible by any stretch, just not quite as good as before. My belly is getting more awkward, so I'm pretty sure I'm waddling. I am waking up more at night. My feet are getting crazy swollen. Like, I-need-to-buy-new-shoes swollen. And any number of other random things that aren't quite right when you are pregnant. 29 weeks. 11 weeks to go.

Dear Malachi,

Please come soon. I know you are worth the wait and a lot of discomfort. But seriously, what's with 40 weeks? 29 seems like plenty.

Love,

Mommy

In other news, we started on the basement. That was a huge step, and I think its possible that we will have Malachi's room cleared out and ready to be baby-fied within two weeks. It seems impossible that I can count the Saturdays I have to get ready for him on two hands. On second thought...

Dear Malachi,

Don't get me wrong, I want you to come soon. But not too soon. You don't have a bedroom yet. I have a lot to do before you get here. Please oblige.

Love,

Mommy

A Tiny Quilt

2010-03-10T21:02:00.000-05:00

This weekend I picked out the fabric for Malachi's quilt. I am so excited to make it! We want Malachi to have handmade things around him. I have a handful of handmades from my childhood and I cherish them. One is a simple wooden car that my dad made. Another is a pillow case my aunt made for me when I was just a tiny thing. It shows a little blonde-haired girl (me? I thought so.) kneeling by her bed with the words "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" above it.

I remember other things to that were made for me that I don't have anymore. What was my mother thinking?!? She's not a packrat, by any stretch. Neither am I, but I would love to have the little gray skirt and tooth pillow that my cousin Emily made me with the help of her mother when she was just 5 years old. How sweet is that?

I remember using that tooth pillow just a day or two later that same Christmas when I woke up with one of my front bottom teeth in my mouth. Good timing. And the skirt was an oft-worn and well-loved favorite of my first grade year.

When my sister was born, she was given a patchwork flannel baby blanket by a family friend (Sarah's mom, actually). The same family friend who kept me in their home for a few nights when my mom was in the hospital with my sister. Somehow this little blanket managed to be in use consistently until she was well into elementary school. It was mended repeatedly. Eventually it was packed away in exchange for blankets a little larger. But Danae still keeps it and cherishes her memories of that sweet little blanket.

There's just something special about a handmade gift. They are unique. They are usually more creative. They have a part of the creator's soul in them. We can't always make things ourselves, but that doesn't mean we can't buy handmade items that will support talented artists and craftspeople. Not to mention support our local economy or small businesses. We love shopping local and buying handmade.

Our downtown farmers market has a ton of handmade lotions, soaps, and other crafts, especially before the growing season kicks off. One woman gave me some great advice on the all natural lotion I am trying (but failing) to make. Next time, maybe I will just buy hers. There's also Etsy. You gotta love Etsy.

Beans & Rice

2010-03-03T18:22:00.000-05:00

I am so proud of myself. In my quest to add protein to my diet, I decided to attempt Red Beans & Rice last night. Not many recipes elude me, but somehow every type of bean/rice dish does. I think because in every recipe I’ve tried, the rice is cooked with the beans, and they get too dry or the rice gets overcooked or something. This recipe cooks the beans and rice separately. So I thought I would give it another shot.

It’s been a few months since a recipe I’ve tried actually makes it to the repertoire, so I am excited about this. Especially because it is so high in protein, fiber, and its not your typical chicken dish.

Ingredients
16 oz bag of red beans
2 tbsp oil
1 large onion, diced
2-3 cloves garlic, minced
1 can diced tomatoes
1 package kielbasa-type sausage.
1 tsp sage
salt to taste
1 tsp Cajun seasoning
2 bay leaves

Soak and drain beans. Add six cups of water and cook until almost soft. Saute onions and garlic in oil until soft. I was out of olive oil, so used sunflower oil instead. Add sauté to beans. Cut sausage into bite size pieces and add to beans. Add tomatoes and spice. Salt to taste. Let simmer until beans are soft. Serve over rice. Mmmm.

I also discovered that if you don’t have Cajun seasoning, you can combine the following spices to make it:

Garlic powder
Onion powder
Cayenne Pepper
Paprika
Black Pepper

How easy is that? I wasn’t trying to be all precise so I didn’t measure anything. I just added each individual spice to the pot. But I plan on making a small amount to have on hand sometime soon.

So, if you feel like trying it, let me know how it turns out!

Time is Passing

2010-03-02T18:23:00.000-05:00

I am almost 28 weeks pregnant. 28 weeks! The third trimester! For the first time, I am starting to feel like the end is in sight.

Showers are being planned. Finishing the registry has now become critical. And don’t even talk to me about the nursery. So many things need to take place in order for that to happen that I don’t even want to think about it. Believe it or not, it starts with the sizeable task of cleaning the basement. And there are several items after the basement before we can get to the nursery.

It’s funny how I try to trick myself to make the end seem closer. Like counting to 37 weeks—full term—instead of the full 40. I have a feeling this will just make things seem longer in the end though. What I really should be doing is counting to 42 weeks, the longest possible length of time I will be pregnant. In that case, I’ve got about 14 weeks left. It still doesn’t sound like very long.

But now, I’m starting to get bug-eyed at how much I have to do, and really, only 8 weeks to do it in. Because I should really have the nursery ready by 36 weeks. Right?

Boom! The Father Speaks!

2010-03-01T23:37:00.001-05:00

So here's my first addition to this blog. Don't expect it to be long and wordy, I'm a math/science person, OK? First off, it's a beautiful sight seeing your wife pregnant and glowing. It's hard to imagine, but at one point in time I thought I didn't want any children. Now I am brought to tears whenever I think about my little boy inside my wife's tummy.

If you've been following this blog than you are aware that there are some concerns about Malachi's brain/development. I've been telling Sandra (and I believe this in my heart) that whatever Malachi is like he will be our beautiful little boy and we will love him and he will make our hearts glad and we will have been blessed by the Lord. We've not even met him yet and still, words can't even describe the love that we have for him.

Update

2010-03-01T23:12:00.000-05:00

So, the doctor's appointment. First, some perspective. Joshua has said several times: "No matter what, he will be our son, and we will love him." And it won't even be hard to do.

As far as the results from the doctor...is there a physical problem with Malachi? We still don't know. Something could be wrong. But probably not. We'll just have to wait and see, and try not to worry in the meantime.

The specialist said things look good for Malachi. He does have one part of his brain that measures out of the ordinary. But every other thing checks out. She took a good look at his heart and his brain and they look healthy. He seems to be very healthy in the way he moves and responds. So unless something changes, she sees no need for concern.

There is a small chance that this one off-measurement could indicate something we can't see yet, but it is unlikely. So unlikely that if he continues to be so healthy for the rest of the pregnancy, the doc wouldn't even discourage me from a homebirth. To me, that seems very significant.

Perspective

2010-03-01T16:36:00.000-05:00

Our appointment with the specialist is today. Not too worried at this point. On Thursday night, my friend Philip Hillery died. It has changed my perspective.

A close mutual friend asked me yesterday, “You haven’t been thinking about the baby much have you?” I won’t identify her by linking to her blog because that’s not what she meant to say at all. :o) We laughed and both knew that she meant to say, “In light of death, the possibility of brain damage doesn’t seem such a big concern, does it?” And the answer is no, it doesn’t. Not that it wouldn’t be hard; but I am so appreciative of Malachi’s life right now. Just his life. He doesn't have to be perfect. He won't be perfect. It is enough to hear his strong heartbeat and see his healthy body and feel him move.

I am also distracted by concern for the Hillery’s. Ginger, who must now learn to live without her beloved by her side. Thomas, Patrick, Maggie, Rose, and Nora, whose grief has affected them all in such different ways. Tonight I will go to their home to be with them. Hopefully my presence along with perhaps dozens of other will be of comfort to them.

It will be strange to be in the home of Philip and Ginger Hillery without Philip. They were a dynamic duo whose life together, especially their hospitality, was such a blessing to so many people.

We will miss you Philip.

What's Going On?

2010-02-22T23:00:00.000-05:00

We had an ultrasound today, and Malachi had a measurement in his brain that was abnormal. It is not necessarily a problem; in fact, there is a good chance everything is fine. But it is customary to see a specialist in this situation. So, we are going to a specialist. They will do another ultrasound. Possibly other tests. And we will hopefully find out that the tech made a mistake, or that it doesn't mean anything.

Google says that most babies with this particular abnormality are totally fine. But some have developmental delays. So as far as "issues" go, it could be worse.

But really, I don't care what the chances are, or what Google says. Parents worry over every little thing. Colds, grades, attitudes, girlfriends, etc., etc., etc. So, I guess this is just my first Thing. The first Thing in a string of Things that will hopefully last the rest of my life. Maybe over the years I can learn to be at peace with these things a little at a time.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. They have carried me through this day.

Girlfriends

2010-02-22T19:43:00.000-05:00

Something beautiful happened today. I needed comfort. I needed friends. And they were there.

And everything was okay. Not forever. But for a while.

Thank you, girls.

Pants and an Ultrasound

2010-02-22T08:53:00.001-05:00

Just a quick post to highlight the most exciting part of my day yesterday. Drum roll, please...

My pre-pregnancy pants still fit! In a moment of desperation over an outfit that just wasn't coming together, I decided to try them on. And though I have to rubber band the closure because it clearly isn't going to clasp over my ginormous belly, my most favorite pants fit my hips, legs, and butt. These are the legs, hips, and butt, dear readers, that I was absolutely positive were clearly gaining weight. And...I was wrong. I've still got 14 weeks left--plenty of time to get the massive thighs I worry about. But for now, I am happily still a size 6.

In other news, we are having an ultrasound today to check on the placement of my placenta. Oh, I hope they don't decide it's a girl. Please stay a boy, Malachi. I don't know if my poor heart could handle an in-utero sex change.

Update: He's still a boy!

26 Weeks

2010-02-18T22:05:00.000-05:00

Things are going great. I am about 26 weeks along. My mom gave birth to my sister at 26 weeks, and for some reason that keeps coming to mind the last few days. I can’t believe I’m this far along. For the first time, I think I’m starting to feel like I don’t have very far to go. I’m realizing how much we have to do. Geez Louise.

I am also outgrowing my first round of maternity clothes, which were mostly borrowed to begin with. I am down to two pairs of pants, one of which is totally not work appropriate. I’ve been wearing them anyway. What’s a girl to do? The shirts I’ve still been wearing. But I’m having to pull down on them constantly to keep my belly covered.

My mom says I’m big for 26 weeks. I want a second opinion. 6 weeks ago, I was just starting to show (to the general public, that is). At that point, I hadn’t gained any weight. Now I’ve gained ten pounds.

Swelling continues to be an issue sitting all day at work. It’s good on the weekends, but gets progressively worse throughout the work week until Friday, by which time my right ankle looks like you could stick a needle in and pop it. Nice visual, eh?

Malachi hadn't been as active lately as he was, but a couple of weeks ago, he started moving again. This time, I can see it. Somehow, I can often see it more than I can feel it. Joshua has gotten to feel him moving more frequently which has been fun.

Joshua is a great expectant dad. He’s excited about Malachi, he’s supportive of me in my discomfort. He tells me I look good pregnant. He comes to escort me from the car to house every afternoon when I get home from work so I don’t fall in the ice and snow. He’s gotten a part time job in addition to going to school full time, just to take a little financial pressure off since we are anticipating some extra expenses relating to the baby.

I have always known that he was the Papa Bear in our relationship, protecting and providing for me. But when we are both working and there are no children in the picture, that aspect of his role in our relationship isn't as prominent. Having Malachi changes things. Joshua has assumed that Papa Bear role much more, and it suits him. And when he takes care of me, I know he is thinking of Malachi too. I feel so taken care of.

I love him.

Belly Pics

2010-02-03T22:53:00.000-05:00

Some days I feel enormous. I've pretty much been feeling that way for the past two weeks. But this morning I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I'm really not that big." Maybe its the black shirt.

Wanna know how many belly pics we've taken? Two. Week Nine (I hardly had a belly). And Week...I'm not sure when. The date is probably on the camera somewhere. Joshua keeps saying we need to take them, but its usually on Saturday morning after I just woke up. Good timing. It's been about three weeks since I've really started showing. And about the same amount of time since I started gaining weight. Finally. And evidently, my body has decided to put on the 5-10 pounds that I would typically gain during the first 20 weeks, all in 2 weeks. Thank you, Malachi.

So, after a week or two of pretty significant weight gain and some wicked fat feet, I went to the pharmacy to check my blood pressure today. But not before I worried about it all day at work. At least I met a nice pharmacist who showed some interest in my birth choices. I'll have to go back there to have her check my blood pressure. And a sweet looking lady with a new born who beamed at me. So it was a lovely experience. Particularly since I my blood pressure was normal. Yesssss!

So, in honor of my swiftly growing belly and normal blood pressure, here, at long last, is a belly pic. It's not a very good one. Remind me next time not to wear a brown shirt with a brown background. Live and learn.

Being Pregnant

2010-02-03T22:11:00.000-05:00

I am 23 weeks along. My belly is getting big. I can't bend over. I can't see my feet. My feet are swollen. My back hurts. I'm constipated. I'm emotional (what's new). I get out of breath walking up the stairs. I'm starting to waddle.

In spite of all these normal pregnancy woes, I'm doing pretty well. But I haven’t handled it as well as I would like. The biggest challenges for me are back pain and sleep issues. And I know that there are more to come. I do not deal with physical adversity well. Actually, I don’t handle any type of adversity well. It just brings me down. Every ache or pain becomes huge in my mind, a trial I may have to deal with for the rest of this pregnancy. Instead of taking it one day at a time, I think, “How am I ever going to survive the next four months?!?” You’d think, after all the aches and pains that have been temporary (most of them), I would stop being so melodramatic.

And if my bad attitude and complaining weren’t bad enough…then I start beating myself up for not being able to handle it better. I look at my mom, who never complains, and seems to be joyful all the time, no matter what. She loved being pregnant. She's probably forgetting the parts she didn't like. I wish I could handle myself as gracefully.

On the other hand...it’s amazing. I love the feeling of carrying this child inside me, knowing that he’s always with me. He’s my little sidekick. I love feeling him move, and daydreaming about life with him, and what he will be like. I absolutely adore seeing Joshua’s excitement about Malachi, and the way he takes care of me. We are already a little family, and Joshua is our protector. I love that during the really uncomfortable days, I know I would go through ten times more if it meant having Malachi at the end of it. And throughout those moments, I have a deep awareness that every discomfort and inconvenience, every ache and pain, every emotional train wreck, is for him. They are sacrifices for my little love.

The kindnesses that people offer me because of my "condition" don't hurt either. I can't say I mind taking the comfy chair, or the massages, or being propelled to the front of the line. Not yet anyway. And I love the smiles that I get around town when people see my belly.

So, when I'm asked if I like being pregnant, I'm not sure how to answer. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. But I always love that I am pregnant.

Special Treatment

2010-01-23T13:14:00.000-05:00

I should have known that as long as it took me to set up a family blog, I wouldn't be very faithful to write regularly. I actually enjoy writing, but narrowing down my thoughts into a post can be a challenge sometimes. Things are progressing normally with Mr. Malachi. We are at 22 weeks today. He has eyebrows! Last week, I finally reached the point of looking pregnant to the world. It's fun. The special treatment started at the same time. "Why don't you sit here. It's more comfortable." "Can I get you anything?" "Let the pregnant lady eat; she's eating for two!" It's funny. I am also getting to the point where I am starting to take people up on their offers to fetch and carry for me.

20 Weeks!

2010-01-10T10:24:00.000-05:00

I'm 20 weeks today. Halfway there! My the last 2 weeks I've finally started to have a baby belly other people can see. Malachi is about 10 oz., and 10 inches long. Ten inches! That's pretty big. I can't believe how fast he is growing!

Just a Little More

2010-01-05T22:02:00.000-05:00

We did our 20 week ultrasound today. What an amazing experience. I've always looked at other people’s ultrasound pictures and didn’t see what the big deal was. But it’s totally different when it’s mine. I’m feeling much more connected to this little person I’ve never even met. The tech was so confident that it’s a boy she said she would give us her firstborn son if she’s wrong. I was so surprised. I fully expected to go in there and see a girl. It was amazing to look at him and know him by name…Malachi. He’s an active little guy. He moves a ton already even at 20 weeks. I can even feel him doing flips pretty frequently.

I keep staring at that fuzzy profile and trying to visualize his features. Is that his daddy’s nose or mine?

This kid is already doing a number on me, and I’m not even to the hard part yet. This last week sleep has become a real challenge. And the back pain that I started feeling in the first few weeks has become much more constant. My bag of accessories keeps increasing. It started out with snacks, water, and various pills to combat whatever malady I encounter throughout the day. I’ve recently added a heating pad, pillow, and maternity belt. This has got to be good practice for carrying a diaper bag.

Joshua started feeling the baby kick a couple of days ago. We read that he wouldn’t be able to feel it for a few more weeks, but he’s continued to try, and it paid off. He has always been excited about the baby, but the ultrasound, and knowing it’s a boy, and feeling him move, has all been good for him to feel more connected with the baby. It also helps that we can call him by name.

Holding Our Breath

2010-01-03T20:37:00.000-05:00

Tuesday is a big day for us. It is (hopefully) our only ultrasound, and our chance to find out whether this baby is a girl or a boy. I always said I didn't want to find out. Then I got pregnant. I can't handle the suspense! We've already chosen names for the baby, and are looking forward to being able to call it by name and having that much more of a connection with this little one. I really think its a girl. So we'll see how much mother's intuition I have after Tuesday. Though its a 50/50 shot, so I guess it doesn't prove much either way if I end up being right.

Here we are!

2010-01-03T17:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm 19 weeks pregnant, and finally getting on the baby blog bandwagon. Better late than never. Story of my life.